We’re almost done with March, so that means your horoscope is just about due. Now, I know what you’re thinking, “aren’t horoscopes meant to be read at the beginning of the month to provide astrological context for the weeks to follow?” and you might be right. But, as you should know by now, the Stars work in mysterious ways. The Stars whisper to me, and I do my best to listen, so, without further ado, here is what the Stars have told me.
Hi Aries and happy birthday, except... no. I take that back, Aries, I do not wish you a happy birthday, not even a little bit. Aries, your birthday falls on perhaps the worst time of the year our calendar has to offer. No one is pretty in March or April. Everybody’s wardrobe is awkwardly transitioning from winter to pre-spring attire, which is truly identical to fall attire, except pre-spring attire supports a culture of flannel shaming. Flannel might not fall under the umbrella of classic spring prints/fabrics that society has deemed appropriate, like floral for example, but flannel is still fine and honestly not that bad. If you’re a straight man, you can throw a flannel over a Strokes T-shirt and have that be your personality! There is a world of possibilities with flannel, and Aires, you are NOT making that world a reality.
I think that during this divisive period in our world’s history, it is important to find common ground, to find something or someone that everyone can believe in, and that is you, my sweet lovely Taurus. You are what the world needs right now. The Stars want you to keep being perfect and special. Because you are so amazing, magnetic, and grounded, other signs (all of them,) are jealous of you, but you mustn’t let them hold you back! Look out for Aquariuses, they’re the most jealous of them all. Now, does my own bias as a Taurus shine through in this horoscope? No, because one of the MANY irrefutable qualities of the Taurus is we are not wavered by any biases, we are true, honest and pretty. Keep at it, superstars!
Uh oh. Things are not looking good for you Gemini, at all. I’d tell you what’s coming your way, but you probably won’t believe me because you’re WACK. Even the other day when I was consulting the Stars about you, the Stars were like “Oh, don’t tell them I said that though” and I was like “why?’” and the Stars were like “can we not get into it right now actually?” and I respect the Stars so I backed off, but there were TEARS in her eyes, there were tears in the star’s eyes. I was shocked. So, I don’t know what you said or did to her, but out of solidarity with my good friend, I think I’m going to hold off on talking to you for a while. Good luck, you’ll need it.
Hey girl. If I’m honest, the Stars always forget to mention you when we’re chatting and then like 20 minutes after we’ve wrapped our conversation I’ll be like “Stars, did I remember to ask you about Cancer?” and Stars will be like “Sorry, who?” and I’ll be like “Cancer? She’s born in June or July or something and I think she’s a crab maybe?” and Stars will kind of nod along and pretend that I’m jogging her memory but I can tell she still doesn’t know who I’m talking about, but rather than call Stars out, I’ll just go along with whatever she makes up on the spot, so, this month she said that Roll Up the Rim to Win season might be rewarding for you. That said, she also said not to get your hopes too high.
People are a bit annoyed with you this month, Leo. And no, it isn’t because you loved the film Call Me by Your Name, it’s because you loved it a little too much. Listen, the soundtrack was charming and Armie Hammer’s chest hair is fun, but it’s march now, Leo and people have moved on. Yes, Leo it is exciting that there’s already a sequel in the works, but you can’t let a film about rich white gays define your life! There is so much more culture out there that doesn’t have to do with two straight actors playing gay men and being rewarded for it! Open your eyes, Leo, you might not realize it, but you’re subconsciously internalizing unhealthy elements of that film and it is not good for your psyche. Also, to all my straight Leos out there, you are not an ally for wishing it won the best picture!
Virgo? More like VirSTOP. Seriously Virgo, slow down, literally! Your reckless abandon on the streets or behind the wheel is alarming, to say the least, and the stars have noticed. We’re all in a hurry, Virgo, however, the safety and well-being of others are more important than you getting to your appointment 8 minutes early so you can gather your thoughts or buy a coffee beforehand. Please plan ahead and make better choices.
Hey Libra! Normally, the Stars don’t like to get too heavily involved in one’s personal life, but you really should apologize to your mom. We won’t get into it right now, but we both know that you could’ve handled that situation better. The Stars aren’t going to buy your lackadaisical approach this time either, Libra. Don’t text your mom, don’t even call her, this time, Facetime her saying you’re sorry and oh my god will the universe be pleased, and more importantly, so will your mom. What are you waiting for?
Well well well, here we are again, Scorpio. Instagram sure is giving you folks a lot of press lately and listen, I get it, you’re having a bit of a moment in the spotlight and it feels good, but I’m afraid that’s all it is; a moment. Sure, you’ve been frequenting the meme circuit as of late, but memes come and go, and the internet can be fickle. Don’t forget what you have to offer and who you are outside the four corners of a meme. Don’t let the meme make you, Scorpio, you go and make the meme for yourself. Take control of your public relations and construct your own narrative. Otherwise, people will fear you forever, I know I do.
I’m sorry but does anyone actually know someone who’s a Sagittarius? Because I’m starting to believe that no one does. Every time I google “Sagittarius” my computer shuts down and I wake up three hours later with a migraine. So, for my own sake, you folks are going to have to navigate the rest of March without my expert guidance. Sorry.
Apparently, Saturn, who is your “ruler” if you didn’t know, is in your sign for the next three years, and some might tell you that that’s a good thing, but to be honest, it’s not and you should absolutely be terrified. Saturn has been going around telling everyone that they’re planning on throwing many curveballs your way for the next couple of years, I’m talking literal balls. Basketballs, tennis balls, baseballs, volleyballs, you name it, Saturn’s gonna throw them right on your face, or worse, the base of your skull, temporarily paralyzing you for three years. In short, Saturn is not here for you and you should invest in a helmet.
Aquariuses, you should try to be like your cool older cousin, Taurus. I understand that Tauruses and Aquariuses have famously opposing worldviews and that this causes them to not get along, but enough is enough, Aquarius, admit that you’re a lesser sign and move on! What’s so great about Tauruses, is that we will forgive you. Get over yourself and come join the party!
Greetings, Pisces. March looks pretty okay for you I guess, but you should truly consider dumping whoever you’re dating and do so IMMEDIATELY. The stars don’t care if you’re in love or how long you’ve been dating, you need to get out of that relationship as fast as possible or the planets will explode or something. All I know is when the Stars told me to relay this specific snippet of information to you, I told the stars that the urgent and hostile tone they were using was scaring me, and in response, the Stars slapped me right across the face. I don’t know if you, the reader, have ever been slapped across the face by quite literally all the stars in the whole entire universe, but It hurts a lot. Like, my cheek was red and stingy for at least 27 minutes. Just dump them okay?