This woman was once my truest enemy; then one night we got trapped in a mall elevator together and worked out our issues. I learned a lot about my mom as a person, like that she can’t trust men because after sleeping with my father she went over to his house and found out he’d been dead for ten years. I shared some of my secrets too, like how I think pranks are extremely NOT funny, and the only reason I signed the release form for that show was because I hoping my father might see it on TV and come looking for me. I wish she’d told me he was a ghost, then I would’ve understood he was too busy, probably haunting old boats and passing through old ladies’ bodies on New England walking tours.
Rating: 3 stars
My aunt Carla
Some people are claiming to like my aunt Carla and that can’t possibly be the case. I’m always hearing my grandma say questionable stuff like “Carla taught your mom to drive,” or “Be nice.” But I guess my grandma is the tacky sort of person who thinks you should love your family no matter what; for example she used to make me kiss my baby brother goodnight even though he was a possum in a onesie. And I’d kiss him, but with my fingers crossed behind my back as a signal to God that my heart wasn’t in it. I’m not even sure I believe my grandma loves Carla “because she’s family.” You can’t trust anything that woman says, like when she tried to convince me my brother wasn’t feral. Then he leaped out of her arms and scuttled under the sink to eat from my collection of egg shells and banana peels, a collection I’d been working on forever. She said he was teething, but how can that be? He was a middle-aged possum.
Anyway, I don’t like my aunt Carla. She’s always yelling, “It’s 5 o’clock somewhere,” as if she didn’t know that was my catchphrase first. Here’s a cool pic of me when she suggested I have a sip of her chardonnay and loosen up a bit: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Rating: no stars
The staff at my favourite McDonald’s
These people know how to treat a girl right. They always have a cup of warm salt water ready and waiting when I walk in the door. I love all McDonald’s restaurants but the one at the airport is truly my favourite because it’s where I lost my first baby tooth and a bunch of other teeth: some baby, some regular. In a way I’m famous at this restaurant because they all saw and loved my appearance on the local prank show.
Rating: 5 stars
Price range: tooth necklace - 65$
My brother George
Everyone thinks this possum is a precious baby, but I’m sure he’s 55. He’s always signing his texts and emails, George. I’m like, “George! I know it’s from you.” He doesn’t get it and he never will.
Rating: 2 1/2 stars