Everyone knows that lying is wrong, but did you know that sometimes lying can be right? Just ask anyone who’s ever lied to avoid looking like the bad guy under the guise of not causing someone unnecessary hurt. No one wants to know they’re in the presence of a bad guy! Bad guys are scary.
But sometimes it can be hard to distinguish between the good lies and the ones for which you will almost certainly be caught. As everyone who has ever pretended to be the first person to ever point this out has said, life if full of convenient grey areas. So below is a guide of totally-ok, me-sanctioned lies that are actually just favors you should probably be rewarded for with a pizza party.
1. When you are riding the bus, it occasionally happens that a man will mistakenly assume you were checking him out when in fact you were staring at his burrito. DO NOT hurt this man’s feelings with honesty. Man’s feelings are delicate. Tell him that yes, you were making googly eyes at him, then ask him out on a date. If he says no, persist. Follow him home. Make yourself comfortable in his bushes. Tell the police you wouldn’t have to stalk him if he just got to know you. Go to jail. Build a shrine. Get his name tattooed on your body. Maybe avoid the neck/forehead areas.
2. If you work in retail, sometimes you will have to lie for the good of the company because the company is just a decent, salt of the earth human being who deserves everyone’s money. Help them get that money by telling your customers a few ‘white lies’ about how ‘good’ the ‘quality’ of that ‘bra’ with all the loose threads and deodorant stains ‘is.’ Be creative. Say it was handwoven using the discarded hair extensions of a thousand club girls and the fur of their dead spirit animals (RIP 2005). Or whatever.
3. Here’s a tip: always keep your illnesses a secret because illnesses are gross. I can’t tell you how much those shingles posters that are in every pharmacy have ruined my appetite for barbed wire tattoos. So when you're ill, be thoughtful: hide your sores under Hello Kitty Band-Aids, give a cute cough and tell everyone you’re just bloated from eating too many marshmallow bananas.
4. If your friend asks, “Do I have spinach in my teeth?” and they do, take this as an opportunity to teach them some humility by responding, “No.” Now they have to go through the rest of the day with spinach in their teeth. Remember, it’s your job to give people life lessons.
5. Age is a sensitive topic, and if you’re anything like me, you intimidate everyone by being in your prime. To lessen the impact of your prime-hood, when someone older asks your age, simply answer, “crazy fucking old,” and when someone younger asks your age, tell them you are “an extremely large infant.” Suddenly all the people around you are comfortable and not at all threatened.
6. When you have friends who care about you, they may ask well-meaning but ultimately thoughtless and invasive questions such as, “How did you get that eye infection?” I suggest telling them you were trying to scrape the chili pepper out from your eye, not realizing there was tons of avocado under all your nails. Now your friends are too preoccupied thinking about what a healthy breakfast you had, and how long and beautiful your nails have grown since not having a job since October, to worry about the state of your apartment and/or health.
7. If someone you love wrote a great show, or took a cool picture of their grandma’s hands, do not let it get to their head. Humility, remember? Be as robotic and unconvincing as possible when exclaiming, “Your thing was sooooo good. I reeaaallly enjoyed it. Whaaaat an accomplishment.” Because only people with low self-regard succeed in life. Your friend can thank you later, when they're internet-famous, or even famous-famous.
However, if you or your friend would like to see a great show, check out The Liar Liar Show! on Friday April 22nd, 8:30pm, or Saturday April 23rd, 8:30pm and 10:30pm. It’s going to be sooooo good. Really goooood, you guys. Everyone performing is sooooo talented. You have nooooo idea. It will blooooow you away. And so on.
No, but really. Come!