Weird Weird Web: Liza Minnelli on The Home Shopping Network

"I'd broken my knee."

"I'd broken my knee."

The internet is not just for porn; it’s for watching videos of celebrities hawking their shitty clothing and jewelry lines on the Home Shopping Network. The concept of HSN—people at home, watching over-enthusiastic, Percocet-addicted hosts who’ve been on air for 24 hours straight, calling a toll free number to place their order for Mariah Carey hoop earrings—is terribly outdated, and yet HSN is more popular than ever. My favorite thing about HSN is the glorified language they use to describe the most poorly-made crap ever sold. You know those hoop earrings are going to break a week after you buy them.

In my very humble opinion, there has never been a greater, more unlikely HSN collaboration than the one with Liza Minnelli. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret purchasing the Liza velvet palazzo pant. And the bracelet Liza molded from clay. I definitely need that bracelet. In this video Liza is in a world of her own, as she usually is. Don’t think for a second I’m making fun of my dear Liza. Liza is a fucking legend and the greatest talent of the 20th century, and don’t you forget it! But loopy Liza is a hoot. Clearly Liza doesn’t give a shit about being at HSN, and why should she when she has an Oscar at home? The look on Liza’s face says, “Who designed this crap?” and “Where am I?” It is YouTube video gold.

Here are some highlights:  

Host: “We have Doris in Georgia.”
Liza: “Hi, Georgia!”

Liza: “The woman should wear the dress, not the dress wear the woman.” (Is this not the best fashion advice you’ve ever heard?)

Liza (pouting): “I just started to work with clay.”

Liza: “They look so sharp on middle-aged women.”

Caller: “You’ve overcome so much diversity. You’re my mentor.”
Liza: “You’re my mentor too.” (Oscar-Grammy-Tony-Emmy-winning Liza calling an HSN shopper her mentor is just beyond.)

Liza: “Sit like you want to sit.” (More incredible fashion advice. Seriously, watch how Liza sits. No one does a side lean like Liza. It’s pure glamour.)

And the ultimate highlight, at the 2:45 mark, is Liza torturing Chelsea, the HSN model, with instructions she cannot follow. Watching Chelsea awkwardly pose her body while Liza directs is the reason why, when someone asks me what my favorite YouTube video is, I say, without hesitation: “Liza Minnelli on HSN.”

BTW: It is my biggest dream in life to have a shitty line of clothes and jewelry of my very own to sell to you on HSN.