Employment. What is it? Where does it come from? What ontological characteristics does it presuppose? According to the Brunch Club’s demographic penetration analytics, you’re just as clueless about it as we are. So, we’ve commissioned known professional Travis Cannon to share with us some insights on the pleasurable business of making work work for you. This is part two of six.
II. You Think You’re Better Than Everybody Else?
Well, if you don’t yet, then you better start! An understanding of your own superiority is key to excelling in the professional world. If you don’t believe that you are the best candidate for a position, good luck convincing anybody else!
If you’re following along with this guide in the intended manner, you should have already done a careful self-assessment to determine which of your individual traits make you most desirable to an employer. However, if for some reason you aren’t yet feeling confident in your candidacy, try the following exercises to boost your self-esteem:
Put on a full face of pageant makeup, look in the mirror and say “I am beautiful. I am strong. I am brave. Mother was wrong, for nobody knows me but Jesus.”
Go out to shops, enter the most expensive boutique you can find. Approach a security guard, look them squarely in the eyes and say “My might is great though my body is small. In my chest there beats a lion’s heart. Father was wrong until the day he died and nobody knows me but Jesus.”
Close your eyes and imagine a happy dog. Imagine yourself looking around to ensure you’re alone. Imagine pushing the dog to the ground and putting your face near the dog’s face. As the dog looks up at you with its sad, confused eyes, whisper in its ear “The kingdom of beasts is under man’s dominion. I am the hand that tills the soil, the feet that trample the earth. Mother was wrong, Father was wrong. When I leave this prison of flesh, nobody will know me but Jesus.”
Feels better, right? Now, if getting a job were only a matter of understanding how great YOU are, you’d surely already have one. However, the fact of this economy is that you are always competing against other people who have been tricked into believing that they are as special, powerful and real as you are.
But I Am Mortal, Do I Not Fault?
Oh, please do not fret. Any employer worth their weight in salt will see right through the parlor tricks of an enterprising magician trying to climb beyond their rank. If at any time you think someone else might be a better fit for the position, remember these facts about the average candidate:
At some point in their life they have been accidentally nude.
Their sense of smell isn’t as good as they think it is.
They smell a banana before they begin eating it.
They likely don’t eat the bruised part of a banana when alone, and in fact just throw the whole thing away if they see a brown patch of flesh.
There is at least one mole on their body that they know should be looked at by a dermatologist but has not been.
Their freezer is full of shriveled black bananas that will never be made into a moist, flavorful loaf.
- When they floss, the sight of blood and dull ache in their gums gives them a sick sexual thrill.
Statistically, they have been exposed to at least one strain of both the human papilloma and herpes simplex viruses.
They have tasted dog food (wet).
Somewhere on the internet there is at least one social media account they have forgotten to deactivate wherein they espouse that “dogs should not be allowed to vote ever”.
They have never known what it is to be the herald of His coming.
They sometimes wish it had been them who died in the mine.
They are lying about knowing what search engine optimization means.
When an employer asks them about their greatest weakness they will talk about the time their mother fell in the woods and they hesitated before they went to check if she was okay.
When an employer asks them about their greatest strengths they will say it is always instinctively picking the perfect banana with a yellow peel and tender, sweet flesh.
They probably harbour unexamined racial biases.
Any time you feel unsure about yourself, just remember the type of degenerate you’re likely competing against. Even barring the preceding facts about their low moral character, the fact that you've taken the initiative to seek out my counsel puts you well ahead of the majority of candidates. Armed with my advice and your status as the lord's favourite child, the only things standing in the way of your new life as an employee are composing a resume, finding references, and interviewing for the job of your choosing. Join me in our next chapter, "What Have You Done That's So Special?" where we'll discuss how best to present your life and work experiences so as to dazzle your future employer.