True Detective Season 2 Ep 8: The One Where Everybody Got F’d In The D, Especially Us

What a colossal waste of time this season was, right folks? Can you believe we all spent over eight hours of our lives trying to keep track of an unnecessarily complicated mystery that never really got resolved? While we had high hopes for the not-so-grand finale of True D Season Terrible, it turns out things ended up no better than they started – irritating, hard to keep track of, and almost maliciously unsatisfying. Seriously, Nic Pizzolatto can fuck right off forever and always. Don’t make us do this again.

Now we will determine who takes home the crown for Truest D. We sincerely hope this makes you feel a little better about sitting through the feature film length, steaming pile of bullshit that was “Omega Station”. 

 Weekly Competitors

Colin Farrell (aka Det. Ray Velcoro) Kicked off this ep mumbling like he’d suffered 6-12 strokes since the last one. Was shot approximately one thousand times because he just had to visit his ungrateful, pizza-monster son. In his defense, he did manage to get a couple hits in during the shootout, but what does it even matter. He also loves Rachel McAdams but that also doesn’t matter because fuck this show.  

He tried. He failed. He died.

He tried. He failed. He died.

Vince Vaughn (aka Frank Semyon) Spearheaded a (probably) needlessly complicated mission to save his, Farrell’s and McAdams’ lives, so that was cool. Managed to massacre a lodge full o’ rich pervs while keeping a supreme chill on. Got stabbed in the desert because he wouldn’t give his (diamond-filled but, again, who cares) suit to one of the Mexican gangsters -- keep classy or die trying, right VV? 

See? That's a classy man right there. USA! USA!

See? That's a classy man right there. USA! USA!

Taylor Kitsch (aka Officer Paul Woodrugh) Is still dead, gets a memorial highway for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

Kitsch Memorial Highway may he RIP 4evz

Kitsch Memorial Highway may he RIP 4evz

Rachel McAdams (aka Det. Ani Bezzerides) Kinda dropped the ball in this episode. Sure, she was one of the two survivors (the other being Jordan, Frank Semyon’s wife) but fleeing the country and living through this mess only makes her D seem weaker. Who else wants to put money on Nic Pizzolatto’s thought process re: this conclusion being something along the lines of, “Y’know, she’s in love so she, like, chilled a bit and took orders from her dude so she survived. But, bro, is life worth living knowing you pussied out and totally missed that hardcore, dope shit Velcoro and Semyon went through? Naaaah! They died heroes, bro. Heroes.” Yes, Pizzolatto – they’re heroes. Just. Like. You. 

Her D-downfall was feeling something that approximated happiness for the first time ever

Her D-downfall was feeling something that approximated happiness for the first time ever

Winner: VINCE “DADDY ISSUES” VAUGHN TAKES THE CROWN! Too bad he’s dead and can’t claim it.

Thank you for joining us on this long, painful and absolutely unrewarding journey, everybody. We promise the next show we choose will be either infinitively better, significantly worse or more or less of the exact same quality as True D, Season 2.