TRUE D SEASON 2 EP 6: YES, THERE WAS AN ORGY. TRUST US, YOU’VE SEEN BETTER ONES.

Did Ray even want custody of this stupid brat? HBO. 

Did Ray even want custody of this stupid brat? HBO. 

In the grand scheme of things, Sunday’s “Church in Ruins” was a very mediocre piece of television. In the context of True D Season 2, however, this episode was pretty damn dece. It had everything – a lackluster orgy, throwback anti-cult sentiments (vintage!), drugs, old guys, mountains of Viagra, Vince Vaughn doing puppy dog eyes, Taylor Kitsch trying super hard to stay uninteresting, shockingly little advancement on the case… like, what more could we possibly ask for at this point?

We feel so spoiled this week that we’re gonna get right down to business. Let’s get a good grasp on these Ds.

Weekly Competitors

Colin Farrell
(aka Det. Ray Velcoro)

Guys – Colin Farrell probably did it. You know, it. The whole thing. The crime. The wrong-doing. Y’know, the thing everybody was so upset about in the first place. Did you see his eyes when Kitsch was all, “This thing is covered in signatures!”

G-U-I-L-T-Y!

The worst part of it is that we don’t care who did it. We barely remember what “it” is. We just wish that after drinking a river’s worth of Jack Daniels and ramming a mountain of blowcaine up his schnoz, Velcoro went out and beat the shit out of that Dad from Ep.1 again instead of calling his wife and crying. Like, why cage your Cage, Colin? Unleash the D.

“I didn’t just jump in the water to disguise my tears, I swear!”

“I didn’t just jump in the water to disguise my tears, I swear!”

Vince Vaughn
(aka Frank Semyon)

Semyon gave off some serious Drake vibes in this ep – is this what Pizzolatto was trying to do all along?

Frank gives a kid life advice (something along the lines of “Pain makes you a better man”), shows off his on-point torture tactics (without lifting a finger, of course) and tells Velcoro to brush up on his assassination skills before (essentially) offering him half of a friendship necklace. OMG you’re so complicated, Semyon. We’re, like, totally into that kinda D.

This is a very, very recent picture of Vince Vaughn and not a pathetic attempt to get you to agree with/understand our point of view, we promise

This is a very, very recent picture of Vince Vaughn and not a pathetic attempt to get you to agree with/understand our point of view, we promise

Taylor Kitsch
(aka Officer Paul Woodrugh)

Kitsch did literally nothing this episode. He just sat around, spuddin’ out like the little potato he truly is. Why waste our breath on him this week? D-sappointment.

“Officer Paul, how can I help you? Ugh, MOM I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!”

“Officer Paul, how can I help you? Ugh, MOM I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!”

Rachel McAdams
(aka Det. Ani Bezzerides)

Fuck, dudes – Bezzerides went through some shit this episode.

The proliferation of crusty old dudes at the orgy we all heard about by 11:59 Sunday night made her uncover a repressed molestation memory from her creepy cult days, smack dab in the middle of her undercover stint. Big shout out to MDMA, without which recovering entirely forgotten, maybe-true early life occurrences wouldn’t be possible.

Despite being high as fuck, Bezzerides managed to drag her drugged up (and newly found, yay!) missing person out of the party – because girl power, sisters are doing it for themselves, please stop drugging and/or raping us, etc. etc.

“You me to bang you, old man?”

“You me to bang you, old man?”

Honorable Mentions:

N/A. Too much happened with our main D’s this week to get into it.

Winner: VINCE “D-RIZZY VIBES” VAUGHN.

Rachel McAdams was so close to raking in more points this week, but Double V really outdid himself this ep – he deserves some D-preesh.

With only TWO episodes left, it's time to see who's in the lead for Truest D.

TRUENESS OF D

Vince Vaughn and Rachel McAdams are in the lead with 2 wins a piece.

Vince won this episode and episode 3, Rachel won episode 2 and episode 5 and Colin won episode 4. Sadly, the Taylor Kitsch shut out continues. Lifeless corpse, winner of episode 1, is still beating him, which makes us wonder...

WHY IS TAYLOR KITSCH STILL IN THE RUNNING? TELL US TO TAKE HIM OUT IN COMMENTS, ON FACEBOOK OR FRIGGEN TWITTER. THIS IS GETTING SAD!