TRUE D SEASON 2 EP 5: THE MOST D-SASTEROUS D-ALOGUE YET!

HBO. "EERRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM."

HBO.
"EERRRRRRRRRRMMMMMM."

After the mindless slaughter of approximately half the city of Vinci, our favourite TV D-Bags are back on that pesky Casper case. Why? We’re still not entirely sure, but it’s got something to do with diamonds, which (in our humble opinion) is about 1000 times less interesting than almost anything else that could possibly motivate any crime ever. We don’t know about you guys, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed for a snuff-film subplot.

“Other Lives” was supposed to serve as a sort of re-launching point for this season, but not all that much has changed. Kitsch is still hella closeted and Vaughn continues to speak like a film noir penned by a middle school drop out. Farrell loves his son and McAdams will take a big ol’ schlong over most things any day. Weak D behavior is running rampant. Determining Season 2’s Truest D is just as difficult as ever. Guys, what did we get ourselves into?

Weekly Competitors

Colin Farrell
(aka Det. Ray Velcoro) 

Farrell seems to be slowly morphing back into Budget Nic Cage, and we couldn’t be happier.

Not only did he beat the living Botox out of Dr. Pitlor (you know, that taught-faced-Nick-Cave-looking-motherfucker), he also huffed, hawed, gasped and gaped through a serious cliff-side convo with his ex in a very Cageian manner – no words, all mugging, and muchos D-os.

Now that’s what we call talent!

Now that’s what we call talent!

Vince Vaughn
(aka Frank Semyon) 

Is a sneaky snake and made one of the most piss poor analogies of this entire season thus far, describing something as being “like blue balls in your heart.”

Can we get a big, sloppy, slow clap for Pizzolatto right about now?

VV also gets negative D-points for being a frat boy on MDMA and getting all, “We should just get out of the city and grow organic produce, bro.”

“LOL @ ORGANIX PRODUCE MEESA PIZZA MONSTER. I am also very unforgiving towards those of races different from my own.”

“LOL @ ORGANIX PRODUCE MEESA PIZZA MONSTER. I am also very unforgiving towards those of races different from my own.”

Taylor Kitsch
(aka Officer Paul Woodrugh)

Despite a rapidly shrinking, nearly non-existent D, Kitsch is still in the running this week because none of you had the heart to kick him out.

He had the chance to earn a few D points in his standoff with Mommy Dearest, but chose to slut-shame her instead. At this point, he basically has to bang Colin Farrell (and be cool about his conquest) to be a serious contender in this race.

“This does absolutely nothing for me. See? Nothing. Nada. Not a single little anything. Who’s laughing now, MOM?!”

“This does absolutely nothing for me. See? Nothing. Nada. Not a single little anything. Who’s laughing now, MOM?!”

Rachel McAdams
(aka Det. Ani Bezzerides) 

Likes big dicks and she cannot lie.

In this ep, Bezzerides started smoking true blue (as opposed to just Blu) cigarettes and gave a well-deserved shout out to penis girth in her mandatory sexual harassment seminar.

While Steve was likely lacking in that department, Bezzerides certainly is not. She also got the Casper case up and rolling again, but at this point, who really cares?

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? TOO SMALL! UNACCEPTABLE!”

“What the fuck am I supposed to do with this? TOO SMALL! UNACCEPTABLE!”

Honorable Mentions:

The Cisco Kid” (aka Sunglasses Hat-N-Harmony) because, like, nice outfit lololol.

Mayor Chessani (aka Drunk Schlub Behind A Desk Whose D Def Died Decades Ago) for unenthusiastically delivering the second most cringe-worthy line this season: “When you deal with pimps, you get pimp-ish results.”

Winner

Rachel McAdams because she kinda-sorta started getting to the bottom of this case-ish we’re pretty sure.