The Joketownians' Guide to Corporate Event Conduct

Party on, corporate Joketownians!

Party on, corporate Joketownians!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You have been cordially invited to attend a corporate event where your dreams of outlining a company's long and short term goals while meeting people who will respond to LinkedIn invitations can finally come true!

However, corporate events aren't all fun, games, or other whimsy the word "corporate" conjures in your mind. Your conduct at these events can be the difference between private jets to the Bahamas and waiting in line at the welfare office. With this in mind, you must absolutely follow these tips on how to conduct yourself at a corporate event to ensure a lifetime of success.

What to Wear:

THIS COULD BE YOU!

THIS COULD BE YOU!

Many attendees will have shot themselves and their chances of making meaningful business connections in the foot long before they arrive at the event simply by selecting the wrong attire. It is imperative when attending a corporate event to dress in good taste. To ensure you are dressed in good taste, take a minute to lick your outfit before draping yourself in it. If there's a hint of milk, shellfish, or peanuts lingering after you have taste-tested your outfit, change it to avoid sending a potential business partner into anaphylactic shock.

Making an Entrance:

RAUCOUS APPLAUSE!

RAUCOUS APPLAUSE!

Before entering the fray, smear petroleum jelly all over your pearly whites/musty yellows to give the appearance that you are happy to be there. Double check that you have a pocket full of talking points—"How's the weather up there?" "Don't you hate small talk?"—and enter the event. Upon arrival, scan the room for a ceremonial bell to ring, signalling your arrival. If there is no ceremonial bell, simply exclaim, "I'm here! I'm here!" until an event coordinator acknowledges your presence.

Mingling / Networking:

IT'S BURNING MY EYES!

IT'S BURNING MY EYES!

Introduce yourself to as many people as possible with a firm handshake and lots of eye contact to make it clear, especially to your socio-economic betters in attendance, that we're all friend here because we all have on thing in common: we all worship the same greedy demon, the Almighty Dollar. Otherwise, do not speak. Just listen. Some poor soul will reveal gossip or the harrowing details of their personal finance portfolio all of which can be used as leverage later.

Cocktail Intake:

IT'S TRUE YA KNOW

IT'S TRUE YA KNOW

The general consensus on drinking at corporate events states that you should partake in moderation. But think about it pragmatically, when can you really expect to be at an open bar ever again? Michael has been engaged to Sarah for nearly three years. If they are seriously waiting until everything on the registry's been spoken for before setting a date, then they are going to be waiting for a long time. A long, long time.

Ultimately, the most important thing to do at a corporate event is be your "self."

Not to be confused with "yourself," as in who you are, but rather the caricature of a wealthy person you see whenever you close your eyes. Half-Steve Jobs, half-Rich Uncle Pennybags, 100% shill.

RSVP TO CORPORATE EVENT TODAY!