The Bold, Few Artists Hoping to Play the Trump Inauguration

More and more musicians have publicly declined to perform at Donald Trump’s "soft sensual" inauguration, including those who Trump has praised or had a previous relationship with. Still, there remain a handful of hopefuls waiting for the call to ring in the 4-year nightmare should the Springsteen cover band or the America's Got Talent contestant drop out at the last minute.

t.A.T.u.

Shortly after the Kremlin passed a motion declaring the pop duo’s hiatus illegal, t.A.T.u.—Russia’s greatest musical export—began reaching out to the Trump camp via encrypted message to express interest in appearing at the pinch me because I need to know this real on January 20th. 

The Ghost of Marie Osmond

Marie Osmond said earlier this week, ”We should come together, and I think an inauguration should be a time to unite, it really should,” confirming that she is dead inside and merely walking the Earth as a fleshy ghost desperate for a gig.

The Breitbart House Band

The Breitbart House Band, a band who allegedly plays regularly at the Breitbart offices, has expressed interest in the gig. When asked for credentials, the band claimed to have played with all the greats from Whitney (Houston) to Wonder (Stevie). Their claims have yet to substantiated. 

Felton John

Elton John has repeatedly shot down rumours that he would play the I’m crying and I can’t breathe on January 20th, which led event organizers to take a glance at Felton John, an unauthorized Elton John tribute act who alters the lyrics to make the songs about feeling up women.

Example: “And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind, never knowing who to cling to when the rain set in and I would have liked to have grabbed you by the pussy but I was just a kid. Your candle burned out long before your legend ever did.”

2 Live Crew

The group’s publicist was allegedly said (off the record) that 2 LIVE CREW’s brand is so synonymous with rampant misogyny that an appearance at the oh god oh god it’s really happening on January 20th could, in theory, spring them on another reunion, creating a cash infusion the group so desperately needs.

Mysterious Fiddler Engulfed in Flames

Last seen in Georgia hustling arrogant musicians for their eternal souls, this mysterious fiddler engulfed in flames recently tweeted: “I did that 1 thing for him, he owes me."

Robin Thicke

Still grieving his recently deceased father Alan, Thicke recently wrote in his diary, "You know what makes everybody happy? Me, singing 'Blurred Lines' eleven times in a row. And in these trying times, what people need is the soul-healing properties of a Marvin Gaye ripoff." Thicke went on to write a list of objects he would need for a possible appearance at the let's build a time machine to warn the past that this orange monkey isn't to be taken lightly on January 20th, which was initially misidentified as a list of women's names. 

No matter who ends up playing the time to roll up our sleeves and get to work on January 20th, we've got better things to do the day after...