When asked to recap episodes of The Bachelor for The Brunch Club, I had to decline. The best Bachelor recap is already out there, and it's brought to you every Tuesday by Vulture. What I write wouldn't compare gold that Ali Barthwell produces for her weekly Bachelor Recap on the pop culture site. Her words are too good not to share. So welcome to The Bachelor Recap Recap, where I share my fave bits from the Vulture recap of ABC's love competition.
When The Bachelor started again this week, we were reminded that last week we were left at a cliff-hanger, with Ben taking Olivia aside to talk to her about the shit the other girls had been talking about her. We were all hoping, albeit half-heartedly, that he would take away her rose, but he didn't. Back at the rose ceremony [italicized bits are from Vulture]:
*It is important to know that Ali refers to Ben (the Bachelor) as Oatmeal, because he's boring and bland, and she dubs the women vying for his love, Ladytestants because let's not forget that this is a game and true love is the prize.
"There's only two non-balayaged brunettes left: Caila and Jennifer. Unfortunately for Jennifer, she hasn't had a lot of time with Ben, so she is sent home. Caila, Lauren B., Jojo, Becca, Twin, and Leah all get roses. I found myself again asking, "WHO IN THE HELL IS LEAH?" when she was given her rose. That dodo bird must have been listening in my TV, because she certainly answered that question by the end of the episode.
Who is Leah? Leah is Regina George. When Leah was in middle school, she probably created a burn book and wrote that her friend Maddie masturbated with a candle in front of everyone at a sleepover, thus ending Maddie's social life until Maddie went to college, where no one knew her nickname was Little Match Girl, which isn't even accurate when you think about it.
That's who Leah is."
Next best quote also features Leah. For a girl who gave us a whole lot of nothing for the entire season, this bitch went out with a BANG. Or lack thereof:
"Leah retreats to the bathroom to put on her nude Nars Velvet Matte lip pencil that she clearly got as the Sephora birthday gift. What's Leah doing? Classic middle-school move — she's sneaking into the boys' bunk. But instead of giving her first HJ outside Hemlock Cabin, Leah wants to talk about how Lauren B. is a monster.
Would it have killed Leah to just bang him? If you're stealing middle-school moves to get a boy to like you, you put on your cutest low-rise flares and glitter baby tee and get busy. (I mean, not me. I carried a metal Sailor Moon lunchbox until I was 15.) Oatmeal's lack of anything could definitely be improved with some good ol' fashioned banging. Something!
So, Oatmeal walks Leah out."
Last but most cutting, the recap touches on Olivia, dear crazy Olivia, and her elimination from the season:
Meanwhile, Olivia is sharpening rocks to enact her revenge once she traps a sea pig to ride back to the resort.
Please, sweet baby Jesus, let this last part be prophecy. Let the season finale feature Olivia riding a sea pig to ruin Ben and, inevitably Lauren B's, engagement.
Lastly, please enjoy this clip of the girls attempting to feed chicken hot dogs to pigs.