'The Bachelor Recap' Recap: He’s In Love With Two Women

It’s a well known fact that the greatest Bachelor recap is already out there. It comes from Ali Barthwell at Vulture and it’s a gift we get to cherish as a community on Tuesday mornings. Here at Brunch Club we’re pleased to bring you the The Bachelor Recap Recap, where we share our fave bits from the Vulture recap of ABC's love competition [italicized bits are from Vulture]:

A few things to know before we get into it.

Oatmeal = Ben Higgins (The Bachelor)

Ladytestants = Women vying for Oatmeal’s love and affection (namely Caila, Lauren B. and Jojo)

Fantasy Suite = It’s where Oatmeal and each ladytestant spend an overnight date* after their day date and their night date, where there are no cameras and no distractions.

*Vulture’s definition of Overnight Dates: A chance for Oatmeal to find his wife while “doing the most romantic things.” I guess if you go to an Indiana megachurch, that’s what you call it.

Okay, now you’re all caught up.

The Bachelor Recap: Fantasy Suite, Rinse, Repeat

Welcome to Jamaica (where this week’s episode takes place)!

Oatmeal stalks around a Jamaican marsh and thinks about what he loves the most about each ladytestant he’s still dating. Did I say what he loves most about each ladytestant? I mean whatever personality he has constructed in his mind. Caila is “bubbly.” Lauren is “too good for him.” Jojo has “mean brothers.”

Date one with Caila was kinda awkward. She was super quiet on their day date because it finally sunk in that this guy is probably going to do “romantic things” with all these other ladies this week. She was also dying to tell him that she loved him.

At their evening date, Caila finally tells Oatmeal that she’s in love with him and he ... kisses her back. Oooooooh girl. Ooooooh honey chile'. Sweetie honey noooo. Caila’s delusion sinks in further and she says she can tell that Oatmeal loves her because of the way they take a breath together. Oooooooh girl. Ooooooh honey chile'. Sweetie honey noooo.

But don’t worry, even though Oatmeal doesn’t return her words of love, he still offers to bang her — I mean, share a fantasy suite. They wake up the next morning and Caila continues to believe that Oatmeal loves her. This is painful.

Onto date #2: Lauren B.

It’s time for Lauren B. to get a crack at those steel-cut oats. Again, they get in a small boat piloted by a black man who only exists to drive those white people to their quirky nature date.

Oatmeal’s narrative for Lauren B. is that she’s too good for him and she answers that he’s too good for her. He’s an account manager from Denver who likes basketball. He’s not too good for anyone. He’s the bare minimum of dudes.

But suddenly, Oatmeal tells Lauren B. that he’s loved her for some time. OH SNAP. THE GAME HAS CHANGED.

DISCLAIMER: For those who don’t know, The Bachelor is a “game” that’s been on ABC for 20 seasons and even though host Chris Harrison always comes out and reminds the Bachelor that “this is your life, your heart, there are no rules” THERE ARE RULES! You do not tell a girl that you love her until you get down on one knee on the edge of a cliff and present her with that Neil Lane ring! Bad boy, Ben. Bad.

She loves him, he loves her, they forgo their individual rooms and yada yada yada, on to the next.

Date #3: Jojo

Let’s just fast-forward to the juicy bits, shall we?

Oatmeal and Jojo bang and they can’t stop saying I love you to each other. The next morning, Oatmeal leaves with his lil’ Doc McStuffins backpack and comes to the harsh realization that he banged three women but only loves two of them. Ruh roh, Rhaggy.

Cut to – Caila, so very deep in love, surprising Ben on his day off (resting on a loungechair no doubt tired from all that boning). Ben decides to do the right thing and end it right there. Buh bye, Caila.

Then finally, to wrap up this sobby, sweaty excuse for an episode (which I loved so very much):

The producers make Lauren B. and Jojo (in an AMAZING dress) go through a charade of a Rose Ceremony as they shoot tiny daggers from their smoky eyes at each other.

The end. See y’all next week for Women Tell All!