David Blaine Is Coming To Sex You

david blaine arts and laughs

Last week's Arts & Laughs theme, Tricks, lead Hot Goss host Kelly Kay to do a little digging into illusionist/endurance artist David Blaine's love life. Here's what she discovered.  

Have you ever wondered about David Blaine’s sex life? Well, I certainly have. Dedicating one’s life to magicianship must not leave much time for developing social skills, which leads me to suspect that David relies heavily on his tricks (or illusions, or feats of endurance, or whatever) when it comes to making friends and enchanting potential partners.

As someone who’s never met the guy, I’d describe his personality as disturbingly neutral, or nearly dead inside; it’s as if he has to do things like thread a needle through his skull or shoot himself in the mouth in order to shock his brain into believing he has a will to live, if only until the taping of his next special.

 I know what you’re thinking: but he’s in the Pussy Posse! That must mean he’s a bona fide bro’s bro! And I hear you. A corpse-like attitude and penchant for oversized sweatpants certainly won’t earn you a spot in the Pussy Posse. Unless, of course, you can provide those bros with a temporary distraction from their desperate, ultimately unfulfilling realities at their convenience.

Given my curiosity re: David Blaine’s luck with the ladies, I went online in search of stories from women who had dated, hooked up or been approached by Blaine. Here are just a few of my findings.  

Tabitha, Victoria, B.C.

Last year, I was at a fundraising event in Vancouver where Leonardo DiCaprio was the guest of honour. Apparently he gave a long, passionate speech about oil or whales or something, but I totally missed it because the shrimp was bad, I guess, and I was glued to the toilet for most of the night. The formal part of the evening was wrapping up by the time I emerged from the bathroom and everyone moved to the lobby for cocktails. As I was trying to find my friends, I bumped into none other than Leo himself! He was super sweet and we wound up talking all night (PS I’m a part-time model so don’t ever expect this to happen to you, lol). His friend David Blaine joined us for a bit and was clearly trying to get with me, but I totally ignored him. Suddenly Leo was like “Why don’t we go back to my eco-condo?” and I was like “Uh, ya!!!” despite my stomach issues. I mean, come on, it’s LEO! He was like “David, bro, I’ll see you later,” and we left.

So we get back to Leo’s and as soon as we get in the door (which he deadbolts, BTW), we run to the bedroom. Leo was very serious about racing there and seemed super pleased to have beat my time, which seemed kinda sad but again, it’s LEO, who cares. Anyway, then we finally start hooking up… it was a childhood dream come true!

 In the middle of our steamy sesh, I hear what sounds like a pig squealing from the corner of the room. I try to ignore it, but it just keeps getting louder and louder. Finally, I turn around and see David FUCKING Blaine sitting in an antique rocking chair, furiously masturbating. Within seconds, he lets out a low bellow and cums while sending dozens of hundred dollar bills shooting out of his mouth. I look back at Leo, who is freaking out. He says “DAVID! NAAAAH! I CAN’T BELIEVE U DID IT AGAIN BRO! YOU CRAZY, BRO!” to which David simply replies “Tah dah!” then vanishes into thin air. Needless to say, I put on my clothes, stuffed my purse with as many bills as I could and ran outside to catch a cab home. When I grabbed some cash to pay the driver, I saw the words “You’re Welcome” written on each bill in blood. It was crazy.  

david blaine arts and laughs 2

Sarah, Los Angeles, CA

A friend of mine introduced me to David Blaine at a loft party once. He slowly licked his lips while looking deep into my eyes then asked if I would go home with him. I tried to say the word “No”, but all that would come out of my mouth was “Yes”. I tried it a second time, but couldn’t seem to spit out any word other “Yes.” He straight up Mindfreaked me! Oh wait, that’s the other guy. Whatever, it was creepy. He looked way too pleased with himself! I got out of there as fast as I could. 

Veronica, Dayton, OH  

My best friend got married in fall of 2005 and, as her Maid of Honour, I was in charge of organizing her Bachelorette party. Her husband was a religious type, a real conservative, and didn’t exactly love the idea of his wife-to-be hitting the town covered in dicks, or whatever. He sent me a strict set of rules before I had the chance to start putting the party together and ruined everything – no strippers, no drag bars, no gay clubs, no getting into the back of strangers’ cars for drugs… bullshit, right? Anyway, I saw that David Blaine was coming to town and thought it might be a fun, clean way to spend an evening. I asked the husband if he approved and he was like “I love magic!” because, of course he does. I fucking hate that guy.

 So night of, we go to the show and I have to admit the whole thing was pretty amazing. I expected a magic show, but not like, a magic magic show, you know? After the show, we all stuck around for a few drinks at the theatre bar. About 15 minutes later, I decide it’s time to leave. I tap the bride-to-be on the shoulder in hopes of getting a move on, but when she turns around it’s actually David fucking Blaine, wearing her clothes, her sash and her entire scalp. It was amazing! He held out a closed fist and asked me to tap it once, twice, three times. When he opened it, a used condom appeared, dripping with semen. Then, he slyly asked “How was I?” Confused, I looked down and saw my underwear on the floor three feet away from me. I wanted to be angry, but I was mostly just shocked. Before I could say anything, he was gone.   

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Davida Craine, New York, NY

OK so I’ve seen a lot of BS stories about master illusionist/endurance artist David Blaine’s luck with the ladies lately, and what the for serious fuck you guys???!! David is a sensual beast and a very, very gracious and respectful lover! He is one with the universe and has found a way to tap into the minds and desires of women EVERYWHERE! He knows what women REALLY want, even when they’re too scared to admit it to themselves! He can sense their needs and will fulfill them without even asking! He is doing a PUBLIC SERVICE to the FEMALE RACE! He may come off as a strong, intimidating, hunky, brooding man’s man, but he’s a sensitive intuit at heart! Also, he’s an ENDURANCE ARTIST in more ways than just one, you guys! He can have the most tantricest sex for like a whole hour without taking a single break! Ask any of his FAMOUS GIRLFRIENDS like, oh I dunno, maybe, like, Fiona Apple or Josie Maran, or even friggen Daryl Hannah. Y’all seen Splash, haven’t you? H-O-T-T-HOT! Plus, he benches like 250 every day no problem. Basically, if David comes up to you at a bar and wants to bang you, you should do it. It’s an honour. It’s pretty much your duty as a lowly normal. He’s basically God. I mean, have you seen his magic? It’s incredible. Fuck Criss Angel, fuck David Copperfield, they’re just little bitches. I am the world’s best magician!

I mean, David is the world’s best magician. Uhhhh… OK BYE. 

For more investigations, revelations and stories like this one (plus crafts, prizes and all around good times), c'mon down to Turbo Haus (5011 Rue Notre Dame O., above Loic) Wednesday, December 7 at 8PM. This week's theme is FUN so you know it's gonna be JUST THAT!

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I have trust issues. You may like him just fine, but how do I know I will too? Give me hard evidence that he’s good.

You want the proof? You can’t handle the proof! That was a combination joke/reference to that Tom Cruise movie we’ve never seen, but hear is pretty good. To be clear, that laugh riot was not written by Dave Merheje. 

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