Whether you like it or not, summer is happening. No tears please! I have enough on my plate googling how to prevent chafing without having to google how to stop people’s tears. But believe me, I’m on your side. I too find summer oppressive like a big purse you have to carry around because of societal provisions ensuring women never leave the house without eight bottles of SmartWater, a jar full of gut-healthy bacteria to be carried TO TERM, and a packet of bouillon cubes JUST IN CASE even though it rarely comes up. The worst part is that everyone pretends to love summer when really, they’re just experiencing extreme relief. Winter is brutal like being pelted with ice cubes in the back of the head, so when the Devil puts his warm hand on your cheeks in May…
Point is, every bozo gets mad at you for complaining for four months straight (feels more like fourteen am I right about this?). To help you remain tolerable this summer, and keep all your bozo friends from leaving, I’m going to teach you how to cosplay as a ‘summer-person’. It’s only make-believe, so you won’t even have to drink the cold blood of your enemies with fruit slices floating around inside, because let me be very clear about this: I am AGAINST the Devil and terrasses.
Step 1: Decide who you’re going to be
Do you want to be the guy who removes his shirt in the park even though I really wish he wouldn’t do that? How about the guy who wears flip-flops to a bar? Or the guy who sunburns a batman symbol onto his back? Ah, there are just too many intolerable men to choose from! Go with what speaks to you, and requires not that much gaffers tape.
Step 2: Start building your costume
Because summer is endless, you may want to make three, maybe four outfits. Remember that the symbols you sew onto your chest are not mere decoration: they signal to others what your summer personality is. For example, a pot leaf says you’re ready to chillax! While a skeleton-head says you are low on electrolytes and need someone to bring you Gatorade right away. And what about hair? Should you wear a wig? No, it’s 40 degrees and you wish you were dead.
Step 3: Be honest about where your costume came from
Like if your friend cut your long jeans into shorter jeans, don’t go around telling everyone you made those jean shorts yourself. Give credit where it’s due, and don’t be embarrassed; everybody has to start somewhere! You can start by folding a piece of paper into a cool fan (instructions on A Website) or rubbing grape popsicles on your tank top for believable summertime stains.
Step 4: Are you even allowed to cosplay?
Yes! Summer cosplaying is for everyone, even vampires, mole-people and Eeyore. While harassment should be expected, it needn't be tolerated. Feel free to block, ban or report those who invite you to a music festival.
Step 5: Don’t be afraid to Go All Out
May I recommend you sit in the grass like an idiot? (If allergic to real grass, use the plastic grass found in Easter baskets). Also, drink from hollowed fruits. Hot-glue clam-shells to your boobs. Get your sweat-glands surgically altered to secrete only dew. Volunteer at your local Y teaching indoor kids how to be better at internet trolling. Take the ice bucket challenge again. Have fun with it!
Step 6: Go back inside
In July, attend one OR ALL of Brunch Club’s OFF-JFL shows at the Wiggle Room as part of this year's Just for Laughs Festival: Arts and Laughs Thursday, July 21st at 8:00 pm, A Stand Up Guide To Montreal Friday, July 22nd at 8:00 pm, and Baby Put ME in a Corner Saturday, July 23rd at 8:00 pm. Three stellar shows held at a venue that will definitely be air-conditioned. And since I haven't bothered to confirm that fact, let me say instead that the venue will be within a mile from a dep with a slushie machine, probably.