Some Lies I Tell Myself

Joan Didion once wrote, “We tell ourselves stories in order to live” and then Tumblr users across the world rendered that phrase in a whimsical cursive font and superimposed it onto a faded mountain-scape and now it’s maybe your iPhone lock screen. The point is, nothing is sacred, and yes I’ve failed to read the 700-page biography of Didion that I received as a gift this year. There was a lot of stuff about The Grapes of Wrath right out of the gate and I never finished that either so it seemed fitting to double give up. The point—the point is that nothing is sacred, so I’m adapting Didion’s popular quote to: “We tell ourselves lies in order to live.” Here are some lies that support my life like rickety scaffolding:

Hummus is a dinner

This lie works for any dip and also for a whole bag of chips.

Living in a city is working out well and is in no way over stimulating, too expensive and sometimes utterly terrifying

Now and then I want to go to any small town resembling the one I grew up in, lay face-down on the front lawn and reassure myself “I’m doing fine in the city” while stuffing handfuls of pristine suburban grass into my mouth. 

It’ll all work out

Not necessarily a lie because the meaning of “work out” is open to interpretation. If in reference to not going to the dentist in a long time because you don’t have a dental plan, but hoping it’ll all work out, and then a tooth just falls out in the middle of the night, then it’s not necessarily a lie. 

Jennifer Aniston actually uses Aveeno moisturizer

I want so badly to believe that she really uses it in those commercials, and doesn’t have someone empty out, pressure-wash and fill up an Aveeno bottle with pollen gathered by Earth’s only remaining bees mixed with milk that’s somehow made from diamonds.

If you enjoyed these lies and would like to hear more lies (and some truths), please join me, Brad MacDonald, Bianca Yates and host Asaf Gerchak for a night of reckoning with our abilities to publicly deceive and divulge – The Liar Liar Show! Friday April 22nd, 8:30pm, Saturday April 23rd, 8:30pm and 10:30pm