New Dad Diary #3: Baby`s Review of My Comforting Techniques

Cradling me in his arms
1/10

Expectations for the cradle were high going in and unfortunately I left his arms with a big yawn followed by some screeches and cries. The swaying motion left much to be desired while the position of the  left elbow felt gauche. It’s quite possible he’s confused me with a large rock he doesn’t seem to respect.

Laying me on his stomach
1/10

It’s a shame there isn’t a 0 star option because I would strongly consider giving my first one to this uninspired mess. Simply laying me on his stomach had all the markings of a man phoning it in late in the day. Is the miserable shape of his stomach and chest supposed to soothe me? He does realize I was floating in a cozy weightless environment for most of my life, doesn’t he?

Standing me up
1/10

The holder has his two hands underneath my armpits like I’m Simba in the Lion King. The very idea of bearing witness to this catastrophe again makes me want waddle my dainty arms around while sending out a cry that might make the neighbors call the police.

Resting me on his knee
1/10

This position might have been a real hit if not for the bony knees supporting my tender baby body. As punishment, I hope my remaining bit of umbilical cord falls directly into his morning breakfast cereal.

Resting me on his lap
1/10

The best part of this placement was when I peed myself and it trickled onto his leg.

Baby Tickle
1/10

I laughed until I cried. Actually, I just cried… a lot.

The Back Rub
1/10

The phrase/noise, Goo goo gah gah, comes to mind. That’s baby for ‘fuck this guy if he thinks a back rub is what I want’.

The Shoulder Rest
3/10

The first sign of life in ages for this weary baby holder, and that’s coming from someone with at least 67 hours worth of living experience. The bobbing motion is tolerable at times while the area to rest my chin is appreciated in small doses. If you’re going to go with this hold, I would highly recommend this not being the only hold you have from someone that night.

OTHER RECENT REVIEWS

Breast Feeding
10/10

Simply outstanding. What else is there to say?

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Steve Patrick Adams

Steve Patrick Adams is a comedian, writer, animator, cartoonist, and soon to be a pretty rad Dad. He has been performing stand-up and sketch comedy for over six years across Canada and has written for such media outlets as Bite TV, CBC Punchline, and Mashable. Steve most recently worked as a producer for Bite TV and has created animations for both the station and for his own site, stevepatrickadams.com. You can see regular webcomics and animations on his site and see him perform live with Chuckle Co. at Comedy Bar in Toronto, and with a variety of other comics at Comedy Works in Montreal. Steve currently resides in Montreal but has spent most of his comedic career in Toronto. Virtually all his gawky teenage years were spent in the small town of Beamsville, Ontario.