New Year's Resolutions 2017

2017: The year I pick my clock up off the floor

2017: The year I pick my clock up off the floor

   Eat healthier

   Exercise more

   Go on more dates

   Eat more dates

   Eat more figs

   Go on more figs

   Stop replacing the word “any” with the word “more”

   Always check my privilege

   Never check my coat (four dollars?!)

   Pay rent on time (four hundred dollars?!)

   Be kind to everyone

   Watch more foreign films

   Film more foreign watches (can I get a photo of your Jaeger-LeCoultre?)

   Read a book a month

   Write a symphony a week

   Choose more realistic resolutions

   Enjoy cheese

   Tell the people I love I love them more

   Exchange pleasantries with the people I hate because I'm a coward

   Eggs

   Butter

   Chick peas

    . . . Sorry, that's my shopping list

   An Expos hat

   A Norelco S73S0 shaver

   Sunglasses

    . . . Sorry, that's my Christmas list

   Steal the security guard’s key

   Sneak into the facility at midnight

   Disable the alarm system

    . . . Sorry, that's my elaborate heist to-do list

   Get my driver’s license

   Renew my passport

   Cancel my People Magazine subscription

   Actually hold off on that cancellation: the celebrity crosswords are worth it

   Stop sweating so much

   Don't be so hard on myself

   Well, don't be so shitty then

   Keep my plants alive

   Keep my pants on

   Eat less meat

   Be more politically active

   Figure out my politics

   Figure out politics in general

   Order Politics for Dummies online

   Build a new shelf for my ever increasing For Dummies collection

   Order Shelving for Dummies online

   Speak more eloquently

   Do more shit

   Don't think about death so much

   Never forget that I'm one of the luckiest people on the planet, and every minute I'm alive and surrounded by family and friends is gravy, is chocolate sauce, is whipped cream and powdered sugar and an entire turkey dinner after coming home from the buffet . . .

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   Don’t write New Year’s resolutions on an empty stomach