Hey! How's it going? I'm your new roommate, Brad. Brad Chad. You can call me Brad or Chad or Brad Chad or Chad Brad, it's all good, bro.
There are some things you absolutely need to know about me if we're going to be living together.
First, everyone says I look like Bradley Cooper, which is dope because he's also a Brad at heart. And by "everyone says," I do mean me and only me. But I say, "Hey, dude, I think I kinda look like that Bradley Cooper dude," often enough that eventually you will start to see the resemblance.
Second, I have been known to sample the bombudd on occasion and if that bothers you, you can move out right now. I'm pretty down with the indo, but I'm pretty down with the sensi too. So like whenever you're thinking about twisting a spliff or packing a bowl or hitting the bong or ripping a sobey, just let me know first so that I can partake.
Third, I cut my toenails in the shower. Why? Because I only shower every three weeks and when I do I have wear a shower cap to protect my dreads from getting wet. And since I don't have much body hair to write home about, the only way for me to really clog the tub and a briny soup for you and the other roommates is to leave my toenail clippings in the drain. Sometimes the other roommates can be real narcs about it. "Brad! Stop clogging the tub with your toenails!" Narcs. But whatever, you're cool, I can tell. You don't mind the briny bathtub soup I cook for you.
Four. TWENTY! Get it? Sick, braj.
Hey, you must be the new roommate. What's up? I'm Brad.
Five, do you mind if I hit this real quick?
Six, how do you draw the soul? I mean, what is the soul even?
Oh! I almost forgot! There's something wrong with my mattress. It like caught fire and burned up. And since you're new to the house, I was thinking I should probably sleep with you tonight. You know, because I've been living here a long time and I could help you get accustomed to the noises the house makes at night.
Alright, cool. Well, if you need anything, I'll be waxing my locks in your room. Later!