Make Janeane Garofalo Our Next Bond

Unless you've been living under a rock or have accidentally disabled your James Bond google alerts, you know that there's a lot of buzz going around about whether we can expect to see James Bond played by a woman in the near future. Personally, I think it's about time. Personally, I also have absolutely no say in the matter. What I can do though, is make the case for someone who I think has spent her whole career working towards becoming the ideal candidate for the job: JANEANE GAROFALO.

Exhibit A: The Bowler in Mystery Men and Smash Mouth's "All Star" music video.

Janeane in Hamlet

Janeane in Hamlet

Mystery Men, though panned by Janeane Garofalo herself, can only be described as a fast-paced, James Bondesque thrill-o-rama. There are actually no other ways to legally describe the film. "Quirky, star-studded, superhero comedy?" Sorry, that's trademarked by Marvel for describing The Avengers franchise. "Overproduced Ben Stiller vehicle that couldn't tell if it was meant for middle-schoolers or adults?" Hello, Starsky and Hutch. "Not a very good movie?" Reader, An Inconvenient Truth has an inconvenient truth it would like to share with you.

Synopsis issues aside, Janeane Garofalo gives the performance of a lifetime as The Bowler. As my proof, I invite you, dear reader, to open your bookmark to Smash Mouth's "All Star" music video and skip to about 2:25 seconds. Eagle-eyed viewers will be able to spot a young Janeane Garofalo nearly braining half of Smash Mouth with a bowling ball. (Her character's superpower, you see, is bowling.) Seeing this clip, I can't help but feel that if we had granted Janeane a license to kill just a little earlier, she might not have missed. 

Exhibit B: Beth Griffith on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior

Janeane on Cops

Janeane on Cops

They say a picture is worth one thousand words, and I hope that's not true or I'll be even further over the word limit for this article. Running with a gun isn't something you're born knowing, it's something you learn by spending time on the set of a police procedural, something that current front-runners like Gillian Anderson just don't bring to the table.

Exhibit C: Heather Mooney in Romy and Michele's High School Reunion

The greatest

The greatest

Janeane was, and always will be, all attitude.

Exhibit D: Janeane Garofalo at OFF-JFL 2016

Janeane in MTL

Janeane in MTL

Of course, the most important thing about any prospective James Bond is their wit and smoothness, both of which will be on full display at Janeane Garofalo's week of SOLO SHOWS this year for OFF-JFL! Get your tickets now before they're all snapped up by members of the James Bond Casting Academy!