Your Accurate January Horoscope/
“With Mercury out of retrograde, 2018 is absolutely buzzing with energy” is what I overheard a woman in Starbucks enthusiastically yell to her friend, and I couldn’t agree more. What better way to provide context for such an exciting ~energy~ than gormlessly staring at your computer screen, refreshing various web pages, until one of them gives you your first horoscope of the year! Now I want to be upfront in that I have no formal training in astrology, nor do I believe that such a thing exists. I don’t have Tumblr and therefore did not attend horoscope school. I’ll admit that even as I write this now I have a tab open that has a list of all the signs just in case I forget one or accidentally make one up but you needn’t worry my child, somewhere inside of me is a gifted astrologer, I just know it, the stars know it. What I lack for in knowledge of the stars, I make up for in pure ambition and contempt for you, the reader. Listed below are your horoscopes for 2018. I truly did the best that I could regurgitating things I’ve subconsciously absorbed through skimming Cosmopolitan’s snapchat page for years. I’m also relying on things I’ve seen on social media over the years. So, without further ado, welcome to your only accurate horoscope of 2018!
Okay, so one thing I know for sure about Aires is that my Dad is one. So, I guess I know for sure that in 2018 you MUST take your heart medication. I’m serious, Papa. Also, stay away from grapefruit juice (it thins the blood). I also know that Aires are very rule orientated and would probably be the type of person to tell you to stop smoking weed in your bedroom and pay full price for public transit for a change. To that I say, chill out Aires! Go google some new municipal by-laws to educate me about later and leave me alone!
Okay, so I’M a Taurus and one thing I know about me is that I’m really nice and handsome and fun to be around so honestly, I think my horoscope is just to be more of that maybe? Like I know the little sign/emblem thingy for Taurus’s is the bull, and maybe that’s worth considering? Like Bulls can take up a lot of space and be scary, but then again, as the popular children’s book The Story of Ferdinand showed us, Bulls can be sensitive and kind as well. So, for you, my sweet, handsome, stylish Taurus, I say, discover what the Bull means to you, and do some self-inventory. Oh! Google just told me that the book The Story of Ferdinand has been adapted into an animated feature film that is in theatres NOW! Okay, so I think Taurus’s are meant to see that film in 2018. The Bull is voiced by wrestling-personality-turned-actor John Cena, and oh my god… He’s a Taurus! Wow. I don’t mean to sound biased, but 2018 is our year baby!
Ah yes, Geminis, I’ve heard about you. I know for a while Instagram was giving you some negative press. Perhaps there is cause for concern with your kind, and perhaps I should be scared, perhaps we should ALL fear which face you’ll choose to wear in 2018. I just looked it up and, oh my goodness, both Biggie AND Tupac were Geminis. I mean, need I explain how RICH that is with symbolism? I think not. Let that guide you in the New Year, Geminis.
Is it just me or does everyone else forget about Cancers too? I feel like people are too focused on actual Cancer (as in the disease) to look into, probably the most boring, of all the signs. Wikipedia says that Cancers are the hardest sign to get to know, and if I’m real, is it even worth it to get to know a Cancer? I think in 2018 Cancers must ask themselves what they can do to be more eventful, how to gain some traction you know? Like, look at Geminis! Sure, they may be the worst and fakest of all the signs, but at least people know what they’re all about. The word for you in 2018 is: “Branding” nay, the word for you in 2018 is: “RE-Branding”
Ah yes, the Lion. Right? That’s the whole thing with you guys? Well, maybe less of that. Nobody likes a lion. Lions get way too much media coverage, they’re practically the Meghan Markle of the Serengeti, and they’re too often depicted as god-like figures in children’s movies, I mean, look at your Aslans, your Mufasas, aren’t we all just tired? Tired of some masc Lion in a bassy voice telling us that we fucked up and should never turn away from God? Well, I say no more! No more pious lions! Leos, that is my advice to you in 2018. Know when enough is enough and just stop it already. The year is young and everyone’s already exhausted by you.
Hey Virgos, how are you? To me, “Virgo” sounds like “vertigo” and miss thing, no one likes to be dizzy! So, stay grounded in 2018. No spinny rides or airplanes or anything. I’m not kidding, Virgos! I mean it, you WILL get motion sickness. Maybe take up yoga in 2018, maybe that will help, and if the instructor asks you to do a position that might trigger your vertigo, tell them! I’m sure they’ll understand and provide an alternative position that might ever counteract your vertigo and help you in the long run, there’s no need to be shy! I’m sure they’re a trained professional and more than happy to help.
Libras! Girl, I’m going to be FIERCLY real with you right now, I think you’re the prettiest sign, and I think the rest of us are catching on to the fact that you have caught on to that as well. I’m not asking you to be uglier in 2018, far from it, be prettier. The world needs more pretty! After all, Hilary Duff is a Libra, and I’m not sure if this is true in an official capacity, but, I feel like she’s the queen Libra. This woman gave us Metamorphosis, perhaps the greatest album of all time. In 2018 you must come clean, work it out, and party up! I mean why not? Find your inner strength and don’t ask yourself “where did I go wrong?”, ask yourself “where did I go right?” Listen to that little voice and let it tell you that 2017 was so yesterday.
Initially, I didn’t want to write a horoscope for Scorpios, I just didn’t want to do it. For months, I’ve been hearing whispers of “Scorpio season” and to be completely honest, it spooked me. I have no problem saying that Scorpios scare me, and they should scare you too. But you know who should be the most scared? Scorpios, that’s who. Scorpios are their own worst enemy and will ultimately be the downfall of their own kind. My advice to Scorpios in 2018: N/A. Scorpios, you’re all on borrowed time and stay away from me.
To me, there is nothing more annoying than asking someone what their sign is and having them tell me that they’re a Sagittarius. It’s the syllabus, there are far too many and it’s upsetting. I feel like Sagittarius’s are like that Type A person in your drama class who is way too into the warm-up games. No one wants to play another round of clap focus, Sagittarius! My advice to you is to stay warm or something, I don’t know. But on a real note, it is alarmingly cold outside so do stay warm, and make sure your tuque is covering your ears instead of rolled up a stupid amount to look like a hipster wool Yakima! (I’m not sure if that was specific to Sagittarius’s or not, but I stand firmly in my truth, and you should too, Sagittarius, but warmly. Please. It’s sooo cold outside).
Capricorns! The goat sign. Ram sign? Who knows. Wikipedia says you’re the “most determined” of all the signs, but how determined are you really? Because the world is in peril and if I’m honest… I don’t see a lot of Capricorns doing, well, anything. Maybe you guys are just waiting for the right moment to show the world how “determined” you are. I mean, Blue Ivy Carter is a Capricorn and I guess one day she will hold a lot of influence, but that day won’t come for a while. Is that why you haven’t made your move? Are you waiting for Blue Ivy Carter to grow up and lead the revolution? I hope you are because that would be stunning. Well, we’re waiting, Capricorns. The world is waiting.
I’ve seen the iconic rock-musical Hair, So I think I can confidently say that you Aquarius’s like to sing naked and ingest hallucinogenic drugs? Yes? Well, more of that in 2018! The world is on fire and Aquarius’s; I implore you to dance around the flames! Stand in your truth etc.
I once slept with a man who was a Pisces and he was seemingly kind and gentle and pretended to not notice when he accidentally kissed my pimple. But do not mistake your silence for kindness, Pisces. You see, by pretending to not notice my pimple, he was complicit in its growth and long-lasting negative effect on my self-esteem. By choosing to stay silent when he put his lips around my pimple, I was led to believe that his lips were a warm embrace, informing me that he loved my pimple and so did the world. I was wrong. His lips were nothing but a hollow, icy lie. He didn’t like my pimple; I didn’t like my pimple. And He stayed silent. He pretended like it didn’t happen, that my pimple didn’t happen, that I didn’t happen. Don’t stay silent in 2018, Pisces.