Recently, YouTube personality Nicole Arbour enraged the people of earth once again by posting a video called “Dear Feminists” in which she said a bunch of shitty, annoying things about being a woman, loving da dick and the general scent of feminism. This is, obv, not the first time people found themselves getting their gears grinded by Arbour – her “Dear Fat People” video went viral for all the wrong reasons last summer, landing the “comedian” a couple of talk show appearances and losing her at least one job. From the looks of her YouTube channel, it seems like she’s making her best effort to outdo herself in the controversy department, posting videos like “DEAR BLACK PEOPLE” and, of course, “DEAR FEMINISTS”. It’s all very classy stuff.
About two months ago, long before last week’s “DEAR FEMINISTS” debacle, I skimmed through Arbour’s channel and decided to write a little monologue for a “Nicole Arbour-type” character. I took on a topic that I was shocked to discover hadn’t yet been covered by the vlogger at that point in time – feminism. It just seemed too obvious/perfect. When I came across those angry Arbrour-related articles last week, I was pretty excited to compare the dumbass video I wrote in 15 minutes or so to the piece that (presumably) helped NA pay the bills while allowing herself to believe that she is some kind of professional comedian. The similarities weren’t astounding by any means, but my prediction of her take on the topic was pretty fucking close.
ALL THIS TO SAY that being a comedian takes work. I feel like I can say this without sounding douchey because I’m not a comedian. It’s hard. Doing what Nicole Arbour does, on the other hand, really isn’t.
(ASSUME THAT NEARLY EVERY SINGLE SENTENCE IS FOLLOWED BY A JUMP CUT OR WHATEVER)
Sup bitches! Look, I've only said two words and you're already mad. Well, sorry not sorry. Sorry! Not. OK, I'll stop. Hey feminists, we need to have a talk about something. I know you're already getting fired up because, well, I'm me and you're you, but let's all take a deep breath and give this a go, shall we? Deep breath of hate in, exhale love. Deep breath in -- wait, do I smell fascism? Or is it lack of sufficient personal hygiene? Oh, it's a bit of both? That makes sense. Secret - strong enough for a man, made for a woman who'll never use it. Zing! Another potential endorsement deal out the window! Good job, Nicole, now you'll never save up for those implants you need! Hint hint: This is your cue to tell me how awesome my boobs are. You know, because I am "desperate for attention" and "can't live in this world without a man's validation".
Can you see where I'm going with this? "Uh, yes Nicole, we're not fucking deaf you retard." Whoa, whoa, whoa - first of all, retard is a word you use in the comfort of your own damn home. Second, of course I'm talking about those holier than thou womyn -- "uh, it's spelled with a Y because fuck the patriarchy and stuff" -- how continually clog up my YouTube comments, Instagram feed, Twitter, Facebook, Periscope... you name it. They're like bedbugs - if you don't bother dealing with the first one, they'll make their way into all of your shit and stay there biting your ass until a nuclear apocalypse hits or whatever those Jesus freaks keep warning me about on the subway. Nicole! You're going to hell! It's like, bro – this, like me listening to you right now, is infinitely worse.
To my feminist foes, that's right I said foes and not hos, I must ask - did you wake up one morning only to discover a giant stick shoved up your ass, or were you fully awake when your step-daddy did that to you? DAMN! SHE WENT THERE! That's right, I went there. You know why? Because I'm a fearless bitch. But, contrary to my belief, that's not quite enough to call yourself a feminist and "really live it". I'm sorry, what was that? I'm not invited to join the Illumifeminazi? Oh no! How will I ever survive! Seriously, since when does it take an overpriced degree in women's studies and a same-sex dalliance to be able to safely call yourself a feminist? I like fucking dudes and, frankly, I was too busy making mad money to finish college - does that make me some kind of monster? No! Does that sound like a strong woman taking charge of her own life and not giving a fuck what anyone else, dude or otherwise, has to say about it? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Do you need me to throw a temper tantrum to make a point? Because I will. (mimes temper tantrum while whining) There. You happy? Ding ding ding! You just made another woman totally infantilize herself. That's not a very feminist move if you ask me.
You may not like to admit it to yourselves, but you do this kind of thing ALL THE TIME. You contradict yourselves. You alienate other women who don't take your opinions as gospel. And, worst of all, you seem to spend 99% of your time making your fellow females feel like dogshit for, oh I dunno, thinking for themselves? How about we try this for a change, shall we girls? I mean, women. I mean womyn with a Y. I mean... whatever you want me to mean. Why don't we all try to respect and support each others' opinions even if they stray just a teensy bit from your own. I'm not saying I need your love, or that you need mine - (sings) all you need is ugh forget it - but it definitely couldn't hurt. Like, don't you think you'd be a little bit happier if you allowed yourself to make friends a little more easily? Believe it or not, I'm pretty fun. So please, for the love of GOD, stop leaving so much hate on my pages. Because, as of right now, I've got all that out of my system and I come in peace.
Want to create your very own Nicole Arbour-esque piece (and share it with us at @BrunchClubMTL or @lamegenerator)? It’s easy! Just use this handy structure guide and you’ll be well on your way to infamy… or something like it.
1. Start off with a mildly offensive intro
2. Accuse the viewer of jumping to conclusions
3. Fulfill the viewer’s post-intro expectations
4. Say some shitty stuff
5. Poke fun at the fact that you are blonde.
6. Stress the fact that there are jokes about blondes and so you, therefore, have the right to joke about and/or critique whatever you please
7. Say some shitty stuff
8. Begin to make a half-decent/respectable point, but not to completion
9. Say some more shitty stuff
10. END SLATE TELL VIEWERS TO WATCH MORE VIDS PLZ XOXOXXO
And, for the love of god, DON’T FORGET THE JUMP CUTS! JUMP CUTS ARE FUNNY! JUMP CUTS ARE MAGIC! JUMP CUTS ARE TOTZ CUTEZ! JUMP CUTS MAKE YOU THIN AND BEAUTIFUL AND HOT AS FUCK! JUMP CUTS CURE CRIPPLING DEPRESSION! JUMP CUTS ARE DISTRACTING ENOUGH TO MAKE VIEWERS WATCH AGAIN AND AGAIN IN AN ATTEMPT TO SEE YOUR POINT! VIVA LA YOUTUBEREVOLUTIOOOOOOON!