Afraid of dying? Have you considered digital immortality?
Browse the brochure below to find out if digital immortality is right for you.
Do you want to live forever?
Of course you do! You don’t expect us to believe you have been bathing in calf’s blood twice a week simply for clearer skin, do you? Lucky for you, everlasting life can be achieved without the constant, quixotic battle against oxidative stress.
Thanks to patent-pending mind-transfer technology, your life doesn’t have to end because your immune system decided to quit or—more likely—you were sawed in half by a negligent magician. In your final, corporeal moments, your consciousness will be digitized, archived and uploaded to servers where you will be free to continue living in 3D-rendered environments as a fully customizable avatar for all eternity.
For all eternity?
Yes! For all eternity*!
*For all eternity…provided that our servers do not experience any technical difficulties or lose power, both of which are highly unlikely to happen from the moment your mind is transferred into 1’s and 0’s until the end of time
What will I do for eternity?
The same thing you did in life: share content on social media that defines you and wait for validation from others. Except now you're inside the computer rather than on it! Isn't that exciting?
What else will be the same?
Authenticity of self is the highest priority. Even your most outlandish beliefs—“A cocktail a day keeps the chemtrails away”—will be preserved. However, to ensure comfort, anxiety, angst, boredom, depression, unfulfillment and similar impulses that may have made you prone to dissatisfaction in life will be greatly reduced until they are all but non-existent.
But those feelings are apart of who I am, aren’t they?
Not in cyber-paradise, baby!
What does God think about this?
Oh right. “God.”
Once the transfer is complete, for lack of a better term, you are an abomination in the eyes of “God.” But don’t worry! While we are uploading your consciousness into the server, we will take the necessary measures to rewrite your monotheistic beliefs in favour of a flexible, pantheistic spirituality wherein you feel divinity in all of reality, including the digital one you occupy, so that you are not wasting your time pondering what horrible fate your eternal soul has met.
Can’t I just cheat death with cryogenics?
Sure you can. We are in no position to tell you how to cheat death. Mind you, we will take this opportunity to remind you that a disproportionate amount of people who get frozen are antisemites. If that’s company you’re comfortable keeping while frozen, then by all means, freeze yourself instead of getting uploaded.