Intro to Art Conspiratheory

If there's one thing we can all agree on when it comes to Art, it's that universal feeling of terror and anger it stirs up from within our souls. Even the word itself—three smug little letters parading around like they're somehow better than us, when we know for a fact they don't even know us like that—it’s enough to make the blood boil! However, like most boiling blood, our feelings of anger and fear come largely from a lack of understanding. So, in the spirit of reducing the sum total terror circulating on this, God's Scaly Green Earth, I've put together some information to help you better understand Art.

A Brief History of Art

Cave paintings, widely held to be the first emergence of human art, are thought to have served two purposes: first, to indicate from one cave person to another the locations of traps crafted by clever dinosaurs; and second, to communicate which of those clever dinosaurs had the hottest bodies, making them ideal candidates for mating. Thus, cave paintings are a lasting testament to the natural creative impulse within humanity, and also one of our strongest ties to the reptile-human hybrids that direct all human progress.

Art was admittedly a bit of a snooze between cave paintings and the Renaissance: the most creative and interesting lizard people had been driven underground by religious persecution and a natural inclination towards dwelling below the surface. Thankfully, a few holdouts remained top-side, refusing to allow a terrified public to stop them from creating art. Famous sculptures such as Michaelangelo's "David" stand as coded transmissions from lizard-people to like-minded individuals that their ancestors still lurked within the stone, watching and waiting for their chance to return.

Boy Bitten by a Lizard, Caravaggio, 1593-1594

Boy Bitten by a Lizard, Caravaggio, 1593-1594

Between Michaelangelo using his talons to whittle crowd-pleasing nudes and the present day, a lot has happened within the Art world—but I'm not getting paid by the word to broaden your mind, so we're going to jump directly to Lady Gaga. Lady Gaga and her bold commitment to her lizard-person heritage mark a turning point in the history of art: whether it's her aggressively coded music videos heralding the triumphant return of the lizard-queen to the dance floor, or her prominent featuring of well known lizard-people like Andy Cohen, Beyonce and the guy with a skull for a face that a lot of people in Montreal claim to know—Gaga's art must be recognized for the important contributions it's made to the mainstream acceptance of the reptile cause.

Hopefully, this masterclass on the masterworks of our reptilian masters has opened your mind a bit, making you a little calmer and more receptive to new and definitely true ideas. Speaking of which, here's an idea: come out to Arts & Laughs at the Comedyworks every Tuesday at 7:30! The show's only $5, or free if you've already got your Brunch Club Season Pass. You can watch some of Montreal's hottest up-and-coming comedians present their artwork in the hopes of becoming next in line to the lizard throne. On top of that, Arts & Laughs' signature arts and crafts supplies will be provided at no additional charge! It's an excellent opportunity to get in touch with your inner reptile, and if you make something impressive enough to dazzle hosts Steve Patrick Adams and Jacob Greco, you can even win a free beer!

You'd have to be a hot-blooded fool to miss an opportunity like this, and let it be known that when the lizards rise again, the hot-blooded fools will be the first to feel the gaze of their sideways blinking eyes. 

Below, some crafts of Arts & Laughs past: