Inside an Energy Drink Marketing Meeting

So extreme!

So extreme!

Three totally extreme marketing executives for a major energy drink brand--Darren, Derrick & Other Darren--enter a conference room to discuss their marketing strategy going forward.

Darren: First, I'd like to begin by congratulating ourselves. Last year was totally extreme and we barely had any class action lawsuits for blurred vision and chest pains.

Other Darren: Nice!

Derrick: Bro, that is sick, bro.

Darren: But this year, we need to rethink our strategy. We're going to need to pull a complete 180.

Derrick: Darren, I hear what you're saying but we should probably consider pulling a complete 540 on our marketing strategy.

Other Darren: Derrick's right, Darren. 180s are for posers. 540s are a full revolution more extreme than 180s.

Darren: Bros, honestly, I don't know what I'd do without you. You guys always have the dopest suggestions and I love you--no homo. Ok, but before we get down to business...we need to get down to business!

Darren retrieves a silver platter full of Doritos from underneath the conference table and places it in the centre. The three of them simultaneously grind the chips into a fine, neon orange powder with their bare hands. Once this is done, they portion the powder into three equal lines--because real bros don't Bogart from their bros--and snort it all up with their major energy drink branded straws. The leftover residue on the platter gets rubbed into their gums.

Derrick: Ok now the creative juices are flowing!

Their noses begin to bleed.

Other Darren: Guys, I think I got our new angle. What if instead of breastmilk, we convinced new mothers to feed their babies our drink! Think about it. What do new mothers want more than anything else in the world?

Derrick: For their children to grow up to be dope ass X-Games finalists, obviously.

Darren: Dude, you're a genius!

Other Darren: And since the newborn baby is going to be keeping the parents up all night with their totally extreme crying, we can totally double our profits by selling it to the parents because they're going to need energy.

Darren: I swear to God if this total homo keeps this shit up, I'm going to end up being Other Darren.

The three laugh so hard the blood vessels in their eyeballs burst.

Darren: Wait a minute! I got an idea.

Darren rushes over to the whiteboard and draws a skateboard.

Darren: Who can tell me what this is?

Derrick: It's a skateboard!

Darren: Very good. But what if I were to do this.

Darren wipes away the trucks and wheels from his doodle and draws squiggly lines above the board.

Darren: Now what is it?

Derrick: A skateboard that smells like shit!

Darren: Close. You might say that it's a bit...COOLER...than a skateboard that smells like shit. And what's cooler than being cool?

Derrick: Ice cold.

Derrick and Other Darren mull over Darren's riddle.

Other Darren: Oh no way! It's a snowboard!

Darren taps his nose as if to say, "Correctomundo, my bro."

Other Darren: BRO! See this is why they call this dude "Darren" and not "Other Darren."

Derrick: If we can just convince some snowboarders to drink our energy drink when it's cold--

Other Darren: --instead of just when it's served boiling hot--

Darren: --then we just might make another ice cold billion dollars.

Derrick and Other Darren applaud Darren's ingenuity. He bows and steps over to conference room's fire extinguisher cabinet. He breaks the glass and removes the major energy drink branded fire extinguisher. He and his bros take turns spraying themselves in the neon green froth.