Fire burns in the streets. Sirens can be heard in all directions—the result of ambulances spread too thin. A baby cries out for its mother. A mother cries out for her baby. I, am also crying. Trump has been elected President.
A few short months earlier, election season was winding down and the sound of many a Canadian millennial sighing with relief could be heard—the cultural contract that required us to pretend that we knew anything about the 2016 American presidential race was coming to an end. Little did we know our ignorance would result in the destruction of society as we knew it. (More like Make America Fire Again am I right? Like, what was with all the ambulances?)
Anyway, I have been sent back in time to help you escape this harrowing fate. I have been ordered to whip you into shape by the Bernie Sanders Task Force™ and change the course of the election. There’s no time for a montage, so to sharpen your skills I have prepared a Buzzfeed-like quiz; the perfect training tool in a matter of life and death.
As anyone with a computer and good taste knows, comedians Anthony Atamanuik and James Adomian have swept the nation with their spot-on impressions of Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders respectively. And, simply put, to eliminate a threat one has to first be able to detect a threat. Therefore I have taken quotes of Atamaniuk as Trump and mixed them with quotes of the real Trump in an attempt to stump you chumps. Fist bump! I have seen so many good men die.
Decipher which quotes were spoken by the real Trump and the world is saved. (So simple. Who knew?) Good luck.
- “I am the manifestation of an Orange Julius Stand. The spirit of Orange Julius inhabited my body and has never left.”
“You want family to be tight? My family is tight, specifically my daughter.”
“No more massive injections. Tiny children are not horses—one vaccine at a time, over time.”
“I’m a fat little redhead.”
“Dummy Bill Maher did an advertisement for the failing New York Times where the picture of him is very sad—he looks pathetic, bloated and gone!”
“Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog and will do it again—just watch. He can do much better!
(On his catheter) “It’s gold plated and it has one of the softest insertion tips on the market. It’s like a baby has put its pinky finger inside your dick.”
Need to do more research before attempting to rescue the world from near certain destruction? Go see Trump vs Bernie as part of OFF-JFL & Zoofest July 27th, 28th and 29th at Le Balcon, 7:30pm.
By D.j. Mausner