How To Be Gainfully Employed in the Jobless Capital of Canada

We did it, guys! Montreal is now the jobless capital of Canada Give yourself a round of applause.

According to Stats Canada, the jobless rate in the Montreal metropolitan area is 8.9 per cent, 2.1 percentage points higher than the Canadian average. Despite the creation of more than 20,000 jobs in Quebec last month, this begs the question: why is Montreal struggling to create employment?

Some analysts point to demographics, and say that Montreal's population is growing faster than jobs can be created. Others point to the decline in resource extraction, and say that a large sector of Quebec's economy is based in the Primary Sector (which is economics-talk for "$$$ made off natural resource extraction), which has a ripple effect on many jobs in Montreal. It could also be the high tax rates for businesses (nearly four times the residential tax rate) And some, that shall remain anonymous, think that maybe those wacky language laws are impeding the growth of all industries and keeping perfectly capable individuals out of the work force. It also could be that everyone's too focused on finishing their album/art piece/film/script/podcast/etc to get a job.

Whatever the reason for Montreal's abnormally high unemployment, The Brunch Club is here to do its part to end the unemployment epidemic in our fair city. Here now are some jobs you can get right now (or whenever you're ready).

1. Container Deposit Officer

Did you know that certain cans and bottles can be returned for cold hard cash? It's true! Yet some people still throw them into the trash. Try not to be too appalled because their ignorance is your big pay day. Your duty as a Container Deposit Officer is to round up as many discarded cans and bottles and return them from the dep whence they came for money.

Perks include: Fresh air, make your own schedule, become one with the city's raccoon community.

2. Horse and Buggy Driver

Are you tired of your horse racking up the expenses? Well what if we told you that your horse could make money rather than cost you? It's true! With the Canadian dollar in the proverbial shitter, expect tourism to skyrocket. And what do tourists love? They love being dragged around the Old Port accompanied by that savoury hot-horse smell. Using your horse to take tourists on tours of le Vieux Port will eliminate the cost of owning a horse and help you generate some much needed income.

In the unlikely event that you do not own a horse, find two friends willing to break their backs and lose all the fluid in their bodies by donning a horse costume and drag a buggy around town.

Perks include: hot-horse smell.

3. Brunch Clubber

Though this is not a paid position, we have absolutely no problem with you dropping our name when your concerned parents ask you how you intend to support yourself now that they're on a fixed-income (i.e. pension). "Wow! Show biz!" they'll say. Reminder: this is not a paid position. But we will backup your claim when necessary.

Perks include: getting yelled at by Brunch Club founder and director Sasha Manoli.

4. Cult Leader

Are you sitting on a belief that you feel could better the lives of others that other organized religions would consider "radical" or "unethical"? Do you have any reservations on accepting cold hard cash under the pretext that your ideas can bring about some kind of enlightenment? If you answered "Yes" then "No", you might be eligible to found your own cult. Everyone is miserable. Is giving them a glimmer of hope in exchange for exorbitant amounts of money so bad? The answer is of course yes, but in this economy...

Perks include: tax exempt status, HBO documentary about your corrupt ways.


Job or no job, we fucking love you. That is all.

😊🔫

[h/t: CTV]