If there’s one thing those tabloid rag-amuffins love, it’s a fetus in various stages of development. Who knew one of life’s most natural/commonplace occurrences (aka BIRTH) could be so goddamn shocking/controversial/inspiring/pin-worthy/#SQUADGOALS? In honour of this day we call labour (and because I’ve spent this longer-than-your-average weekend subsisting on red wine, Chinese food and tortilla chips alone), I’m gonna keep this special edition overly simple: Who’s got a teeny tiny future freak all up inside them (in a dreadfully boring, totally non-sexual kinda way) and do I care/should you. Good? OK, Goss!
Kim Kardashian: YOU CARE! Because she’s gigantor and shows up at notable events of all kinds looking like the Mother of All Mothers. If I were a more self-assured person, I would exclaim something along the lines of, “WERK!” but I won’t in fear of sounding juuuuuust a little too cliché.
Giovanna Fletcher: DON’T CARE! Seriously, who is this woman?
Kelly Clarkson: DON’T CARE! Well, not really.
Leighton Meester: YOU CARE! Because she’s housing the satanic spawn of Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf. And don’t think I don’t know that you know just who the fuck those people are, because you do.
Kristin Cavallari: DON’T CARE! Though a few eps of Laguna Beach might help quell the existential crisis/hangover fear (classic combo!) I started experiencing the moment I typed the words “baby bump” into my Google search bar.
Karen O: YOU CARE, WHICH MEANS YOU’RE INFINITELY TWEE-ER THAN YOU’D LIKE TO ADMIT! Guys, I kinda care about this.
Confession time: All this is just a roundabout, rigamaroll way of telling you guys that I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE! I’m expecting… to provide you with a way more enthralling/significantly less lazy HAWT GOSS next week! LOLOLOL I’m a real stinker, ain’t I?