Sup fellow trash gobblers?
We’ve spent the last few weeks desperately (yet elegantly) trying to become uber-mega-famous-forever-or-at-least-five minutes to no avail. We laughed, we cried, we raged harder than Nicole Richie circa that year she decided it’d be super sick to put a weight cap on the guest list for her bi-weekly blowcaine-fueled bashes (double digit lbs only, weigh in at the door, no compromise, no surrender), but despite flashing our nether-regions more times than we can remember (a surefire path to stardom/infamy/tabloidomination), we’re still only quasi-recognizable. Bum-mer. But you know what always lifts my spirits? Ridiculing the people I envy most. So grab a green juice, slather your hawt bawd in something that claims to combat cellulite and give those Oxys a second to kick in – you feel ‘em? Yeah, you do! Lets get to GOSSIN’.
No stranger to the ‘bloids (JK she’s 60), Chrissie Hynde made some particularly controversial statements about rape this week. Do you like how casually I threw out the word “rape” right there? That’s the kind of shocking, taboo prose that’s gonna make me a star in the literary world. I’m just an artist, sitting in a darkened room in the middle of the day, struggling to casually sip my seventh whiskey and stop myself from fixing an eighth. I’m damaged, man. And I don’t give two fucks about your rules or suggestions. Suck an egg, square! Anyway, she basically kinda sorta said something about women “asking for it”, and then was like, “that’s not controversial, right lolz?” Not only is it controversial, Chrissie, it is also incorrect. Buh-bye now.
Gods among men Kim & Kanye accidentally got caught up in black market organ sales this weekend by offering to replace a pair of Yeezys some dude was looking to trade for a kidney. While this kidney was reportedly not being sought out for cannibalistic/next-level-soup-making purposes, I’m skeptical. Also, Kanye 4 Prez in 2020.
Tila Tequila is still batshit crazy and I’m soooooooooo happy to see my muse in the headlines again. From what I understand, she may or may not have said something along the lines of “I love Hitler” a couple years back; because of the internet/future/all watchful eye/New World Order/etc, this statement resurfaced shortly after the ex-Myspace sensation/current human who exists in the world and is just a little more important than the rest of us joined the cast of Celebrity Big Brother and got her booted off the show faster than you can say… guys, it’s really, really hard to reference anything TT has ever done of note.
The MTV Video Music Awards aired last night at too much shit went down to address. I haven’t had the chance to watch this freak show yet, but it sounds like Nicki Minaj, aka the Queen Of My Heart And The World At Large, came out on top.
That’s it for this week, garbage people! Please tweet me at @lamegenerator or @BrunchClubMTL and tell me that it’s ok to spend my birthday (Tuesday, BTW – send gifts and/or $$$$) rotting away on the couch while marathoning all 16 seasons of Celebrity Big Brother.