Hey – I need to talk to you about something. How the fuck are we not famous yet?! I don’t know about you, but I went through all the motions mentioned in last week’s Goss and what did I get in return? A whole lot of nothing! Fame is a frustrating beast, especially when you dedicate a whole goddamn week to trying to touch the thing. But I am a strong, independent woman destined (get it?) for all the big Fs (Fame, Fortune, Failure, etc) in the very near future – I might not know you personally, but I believe you’re capable of big things too (mostly that last F I mentioned lolololz). This week, let’s start fresh – delete that crummy night vision sex tape from your/your BF/your GF/your BFG/ your neighbor/your cat’s laptop, grab my (virtual/figurative) hand and lets try a different approach, starting with something along these lines.
Don’t Give The People What They Want
Lindsay Lohan wants to write a book. Like, an actual book. Like, a piece of literature that has nothing to do with her real life exploits/tation. Like, a book about something that other people can much more easily/competently write books about. My feelings on this matter? I’ll leave you with a quote from one of my (many) personal messiahs, Tyra Banks.
You Know That Sex Tape I Told You To Trash Earlier? When I Said “Trash” I Obvs Meant “Keep” And By “Keep” I Mean Share With Everyone
People want Batfleck nanny to do a Batfleck porn without Batfleck. She should totally do it, if only because stasis = death for a Page Six princess like Ouzounian.
Forget Everything You Thought You Knew About PDA
Mack out hard and publicly with someone who isn’t your SO – y’know, like Serena Williams and Drake did! P.S.: Fuckin’. Get. It. Girl.
Get Out While The Going’s Good, Then Get Hungry And Ruin Everything With Your Solo Career
Much to the horror of tween girls everywhere, the 4Ds of 1D (uh, just to clarify that’s ONE DIRECTION in case u r rotting away in a senior’s rez or sumthin lol) are done crossing swords for a little while – the group announced that, starting March 2016, they’ll be on hiatus while the Euro Eunuchs try the whole solo thing on for size. My guess is, it just ain’t gonna fit – except for Harry’s, obvz, bc he’s liek suuuuper hawt **sizzle sizzle** (that was my <3 u perv ew).
If All Else Fails, Fuck Up Hard And Relentlessly
Everybody’s favourite teenybopper/least fave Canadian/clinically diagnosed lil’ dummy Justin Bieber has been banned from doing live interviews by his money grubbing, corporate puppet masters because he’s really, really bad at talking shit out sans fucking shit up. IMO, this is an enormously misguided move because a) freedom of speech ‘n’ whatevz, b) Justin Bieber + music + 2015 = who cares/the opposite of profitable, and c) Justin Bieber + asshole commentary + sheer idiocy – shame = perfect tabloid fodder. #FREEJUSTIN!