I know what you’re thinking -- it’s the beginning of the week and you’re already exhausted. I get it. Life is super fucking hard, all day every day. You’re staring at a computer, just trying to look like you’re getting shit done, and here I am expecting you to read. For fun. Isn’t it crazy how much I remind you of your mom sometimes? What. A. Bitch. Not your mom, I’m talking about me (what else is new, LOLLOLOLOL). Okay, maybe I’m also talking about your mom (LOLOLOOLOL). Are we beefing right now? Could this be the start of something that will eventually result in a Hot news item? Probably not, because neither of us are particularly famous. But we so, so obvs should be. Between you and me, I think we could totally reach our full potential if we took tips from these famous freaks. Welcome to Lesson 1 of Day 1 of the rest of your new (and very much improved) life.
How To Become (More) Famous 101
Be Awful At Your Job
Go to LA, get a job, fuck that shit up and start making crazy demands. Hey, it’s working for Christine Ouzounian, aka Ben Affleck’s nanny/other woman. At this point, you know her, you love her (or love 2 h8 her lolz) and you can’t quite remember her name, but come 2016, she may just be the biggest (but certainly not the blondest) thing to hit reality TV – she wants to be the next Bachelorette. Just remember, Chris – NO ONE PUTS BENNY IN THE CORNER!
Kylie Jenner, aka the Lips That Inspired A Nation, has been trending hardcore in the last few days for a particularly mind-blowing achievement – turning 18. I mean, does that restore your faith in humanity or what? A lot of things change for a young lady after crossing the 1-8 line. You can drink (in Quebec). You can vote. You become totally fair game for men to openly GIF jizz all over you online. That’s just the way it is. When this happens, you have two choices – embrace it and profit (by signing a deal with Vivid or BangYouLater) or refrain from going online until you expire at age 22.
Creep On A Princess (And/Or Run For Office)
Legend has it that Donald (S)Trump(et) used to creep on Princess Di pretty hard, sending her ridiculously expensive bouquets (among other things) and getting shot down. Every. Single. Time. This news piece popped up around the same time as a quote from ol’ Queenie re: Diana’s death, deducing, “someone must have greased their brakes.” Coincidence? I think not. You heard it here first, BBs!
Matt Barnes (aka a sports guy that no one GAF about until this weekend) (aka what do I know maybe people like him) told TMZ he was dating Rihanna, only to be called out by the singer on Instagram for his evil lies moments later. The upside? We now kinda sorta almost know who he is. But don’t expect that to last long without further shenanigans/bold faced falsehoods.
TLDR: Do your thing. Have no shame. Only Goss can judge you.