Dearest Goss Gang,
I wrote a wonderful little Goss on Monday, only to discover that it has disappeared from my trusty ol’ (but actually basically brand new so what the fuck) comp altogether. I was GOING to congratulate Hot Goss/mostly myself on making it to 28 juicy/gossip world game changing instalments, but I’m not really in the mood to do such a thing anymore. Was Hot Goss, the column, destined to die at the tender and far-too-soon age of 27 alongside greats like Pete Ham (Badfinger), Malcolm Hale (Spanky and Our Gang), German songstress Alexandra and the one true rock legend Dickie Pride? Was that last mini-Goss (you know, the one where I really and truly phoned it in) the note this column was supposed to go out on, to live on solely as an Angel on the Airwaves? Oh my god… have I been Tom DeLonge this whole time?! Say it ain’t so! Please, someone tell me… what’s my age again? What’s my age again?
I don’t know about you, but I need a distraction from these intensely existential questions. And with that, Kelly/maybe Tom DeLonge turned her back on God’s plan and GOSSED.
Kiefer Sutherland released a country single and it’s exactly what you’d expect/pretty fucking awful. Chief Kief and his group of merry music makers are heading out on tour this summer and may or may not be coming to a mid-sized concert venue near you. There’s “not enough whiskey in the world” to make me sit through this country jam in its entirety. QUALITY JK RIGHT GUYS?
Some beardo DJ got his set up stolen at Lady Gaga’s 30th birthday party so… that happened. Take a sec and shed a tear for him right now if you really feel the need. Personally, I blame Lisa Rinna.
OMG you guys… turns out Chris Brown is a total jerk. Like, especially to women. I.. can’t… believe… it.
RuPaul, on the other hand, is a straight up GOLDEN GOD/inspiration to us all. I sincerely hope he starts a cult in the near future because I would 100% most definitely join it without question. If you’ve never listened to his podcast, do it NOW because it actually makes life worth living.
This dumbdumbdumbdumbdumb Jon Lovitz/Jessica Lowndes thing is dumbdumbdumbdumb and also stupid. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m feeling particularly eloquent today.
Selena Gomez is (supposedly) dating Charlie Puth, best known for literally nothing.
ARE YOU A PUTHER (that’s a Charlie Puth fan who also happens to be a conspiracy theorist)? HIT US UP ON TWITTER (@lamegenerator or @BrunchClubMTL) AND TELL US WHO IS **ACTUALLY** RESPONSIBLE FOR WORLD WARS I and II, as well as PUTH AND GOMEZ’S **SUPPOSED** RELATIONSHIP. I bet it’s those pesky lizard people.