Hot Goss 26 Special: Swift Squad = Pussy Posse? An In Depth Investigation

#SquadGoals – we’ve all got ‘em. OK, I don’t actually think that’s true because I’m a) over the age of 16 (shocking, I know) and b) so filled with social anxiety right now because members of my own occasional entourage had me double fisting bottles of prosecco two nights ago which lead to other unwise/unmentionable choices and resulted in two full days of personal emptiness, but anyway…  on a half-hourly basis, social media leads me to believe that Squads are important and I should really be pushing myself to get hotter friends, if only to be able to flood the internet with pictures of ourselves without fear of repercussion and/or receiving comments like “fuk u ugly”.

These days, when most people talk about famous friendships (aka #SQUADGOALS), Taylor Swift’s crew will likely be the first example they cite. And why shouldn’t they? Swift and her ever-growing group of besties dominate Instagram, engaging in absolutely adorkable acts together like baking, picnics, playing with cats and getting ice cream. Super #SQUADGOALS, right? On an aesthetic level, yes – moments when modelesque women chow down on colorful cupcakes are intensely Instagrammable and, thus, #SQUADGOALS. But on an experiential level, slaving away on a batch of picture perfect cookies under the watchful eye of a cyborganic cheerleadress sounds a lot less fun than, you know, most things that exist in this universe. Call me old fashioned, but I think I’d rather peacock around town with a legion of loveable leeches, squandering all my hard earned cash on bevs and blackjack, or whatever that casino game high rollers actually play is called.  In short, I feel like I’d be better suited to join Leonardo DiCaprio’s classic 90s crew, the Pussy Posse, but then again, doesn’t downing drinks at your BFF’s behest for no ones enjoyment but his own sound just about as bad as the aforementioned baking situation? While Taylor Swifts #Squad and Leo DiCaprio’s Pussy Posse seem a world apart at first glance, upon closer inspection they’re basically the exact the same. Here’s the incredibly convincing and totally undeniable proof.  

Taylor Swift is Leonardo DiCaprio

Obviously.

Karlie Kloss is Tobey Maguire

The actual BFF and second in line for the throne, on both a macro (world/Hollywood) and micro (posse/squad) scale. If, God forbid, Swift or DiCaprio were to die in some kind of fiery car crash or similarly serious freak accident, this person would a) make the first friend speech at their funeral and b) look the most glamorous/well put together while doing it.

Lorde is Harmony Korine

Both dark(ish), broody wunderkinds.  

Sarah Hyland is Kevin Connolly

Modern Family is kind of like Entourage in the sense that both series went on for approximately twelve TV-land eternities for absolutely no reason whatsoever. After eight seasons and a movie, Entourage finally called it quits. Going seven seasons “strong” as of 2016, it’s safe to assume Modern Family may meet a similar fate. Both Hyland and Connolly fill the “former child actor” role in their respective polyplatonic circles – this, as we all know, is an integral element in being able to officially label your rag-tag group of humans a squad and/or posse. On the cheap shot/low blow side of things, they’re also of a similar stature.

Ed Sheeran is Sara Gilbert

Both are members of the opposite sex who are allowed to participate in posse/squad activities when their leader deems it appropriate. In accordance with leader’s law, no group member shall engage in sexual and/or romantic activities with this honorary member, not that anyone’s actually worried about those sorts of feelings ever drifting into their consciousness. Like, ever.

Lena Dunham is David Blaine

There was a time when, whether the world liked it or not, David Blaine always seemed to be up to something. When he wasn’t harassing you with his creepy slight-of-hand on a street corner, he was playing Peeping Tom from some sort of giant glass box suspended somewhere in your neighborhood, all the while starving himself in the name of “illusionary arts”, or whatever term he felt was necessary to use in order to convince others this art form as legit/worth dying for/interesting/worthwhile. It was all very, “I am magician, hear me roar!” While significantly more tolerable than douchey Davey, Lena Dunham is prolific in a similarly unavoidable sort of way. Like, we’re barely able to go a full week without hearing how spot-on (or terribly misguided) this or that episode of Girls was. Or how someone said something moderately interesting about feminism in Lenny Letter. Or how Dunham could have maaaaybe nixed a few questionable sex-related excerpts from Not That Kind Of Girl. Both parties also have fan bases comprised of individuals that, upon revealing their admiration for either Dunham or Blaine, can easily be stereotyped and judged by others who feel differently. 

Cara Delevigne is Jay R. Ferguson

For one reason or another, people who don’t really give a shit about TV almost always have an opinion on one show and one show only -- Mad Men. If they’ve seen but one scripted program in the last decade or so, it’s most likely AMC’s premier advertising drama. Well, that or Breaking Bad, but you get the idea. They may have also seen a few episodes of Game of Thrones but didn’t end up sticking with it.  A similar principal applies to the fashion world and Cara Delevigne. Breaking Bad would probably be Kendall Jenner and Game of Thrones is likely Gigi Hadid. But I digress – the similarities between Delevigne and Mad Men’s Jay R. Fergusen (who plays Peggy’s stoner love interest Stan on the show, BTW) don’t stop there. They both give off a sort of rebellious, “devil-may-care” vibe that may or may not be a put on for publicity purposes and both parties seem to have the ability to get their ringleader a little more riled up than regular.

The Haim Sisters are Lucas Haas

Much like Lucas Haas, Haim was, like, a thing for a very specific, short-lived stretch of time. Ah, summer of 2013 – what a prosperous time for us all! Today, the general public’s interest in the group is mostly Swift-specific; how was their trip to the Old Timey ice cream shop with Taylor? What flavor did Taylor choose? Wait, is that gelato? Or maybe sorbet? What filter did they likely-not-fully-democratically decide on using in order to properly commemorate this experience and its many facets on Instagram? After starring in a few films in the late 90s, Haas’ life with Leo seems strangely similar, only less Instagram and ice cream and more Grey Goose and gambling.

Her Cats are Ethan Suplee

Because I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that comparing any human woman to the late 90s C-lister might come off rude. While their master may subscribe to a different system of beliefs, Swift’s cats are most definitely Scientologists, just like Suplee.

By this logic, I guess Selena Gomez is Q-Tip but I can’t find any particularly convincing proof. They’re both musician/actors who were arguably more famous in a group/duo context than solo (Q-Tip in A Tribe Called Quest, Gomez as one half of “Jelena”), but, again, that’s totally debatable. Neither of them are total givens when their squad/posse gathers, but both pop up often enough to be considered official members.

OK THIS FELL APART BY THE END, BUT I KNOW THAT I CONVINCED YOU REGARDLESS! TELL ME HOW SMART I AMON TWITTER AT @lamegenerator OR @BrunchClubMTL

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Kelly Kay

Kelly is a 23 year old lady living, breathing and constantly critiquing everyone around her in Montreal. She enjoys going to shows (both good and bad) and writing about them. She's also a member of the oh-so awesome band, Gashrat.