HELLO BOILS AND GHOULS AND WELCOME TO YOUR ANNUAL HOT GOSS GRAMMY RECAP COLUMN!
Before I begin breaking down what happened at last night’s (likely not so) SCORCHIN’ HAWT ceremone, I’ve got two completely legitimate/pro-style questions to ask you: 1) since when does any awards show worth a hoot Goss take place on a Monday night and 2) did anyone else have no idea the Grammys were going down last night until the day of? As you all well know, I actually keep tabs on this shit and hadn’t the faintest. SICK PROMO, GUYS!
While last night’s show was relatively uneventful on the whole, I feel like it may have been a bit more exciting than last year’s offering (which, BTW, I definitely didn’t watch). During the ceremony, I had at least two violent physical reactions to fashion choices and got weirdly emotionally invested in a couple of performers/performances. But I’m also hardcore PMS-ing, so there’s that.
THE AWARD FOR ACHIEVEMENT IN SOUND MIXING GOES TO… CITY TV TORONTO’S LIVE STREAMING SERVICES, allowing online viewers everywhere to get a real good earful of that classic Grammys crowd involvement (you know, the clapping, cheering and tittering aka the good stuff we all came here to watch) without having to hear those tone deaf motherfuckers that showed up to ruin the party. Like, really, who wants to listen to a bunch of overdressed lamewads talk about their peers and sing of whatever they were trying to do up there?
I missed Taylor Swift’s big opener (whoops) but I did see her maybe possibly I guess but not really clap back at Kanye for that line in “Famous” shortly after jumping out of her seat to congratulate her very much friendzoned unrequited lover Ed Sheeran on his big win. She just seemed a little too jazzed, you know what I mean? While some (myself included) have questioned her sincerity in situations such as these, last night I decided that Taylor Swift just gives off the worst, most unflattering vibes of any public human currently existing on planet earth.
Most culture critics were proven wrong last night when Kendrick Lamar lost out to Taylor Swift for Album of the Year, but dude definitely delivered one of the most memorable performances in the award show’s entire history (aside from that nameless, adorable 12 year old piano prodigy who played towards the end because cuuuuuuute). Bonus: Taylor looked suuuuuper uncomfortable walking on stage to accept that statuette.
Lionel Ritchie looked suuuuuuuper uncomfortable during country bro Luke Bryan’s part in that big Ritchie tribute/medley. He seemed to be digging Demi Lovato, though, which filled me with joy because she’s one of those weird emotional investments I have/talked about earlier.
Why is Meghan Trainor still a thing/more a thing than ever?
Adele struggled through a song because her GD GUITAR PLAYER was so hilariously out of tune, it hurt. It was bad, you guys. Very, very bad. If you want a glimpse of the person responsible for the singer’s pain, she looks a little something like this. Keep an eye out.
(THIS JUST IN: The guitar sound was actually this small girl tucked inside the piano and picking away at its strings. What a relief!)
Violent Physical Reaction #1: Little Big Town (who? A COUNTRY GROUP, DUUHHHHH!) singer Karen Fairchild’s hideous dress-accented pants. Like, I don’t know you, but what the fuck?
Violent Physical Reaction #2: My breathing literally ceased when I saw Johnny Depp step onstage to perform a Lemmy tribute with The Hollywood Vampires (V SELF AWARE BAND NAME GUYS!!!!!!) I stopped breathing, started choking, then gagging, then laughing, then (almost) crying, and then screamed “FUCK THE FUTURE!!!! NOOOO! I DON’T WANNA GET OLD AND BE JOHNNY DEPP!!” It was bad. On the other hand, Alice Cooper wore a stage blood stained peasant top because he refuses to not live his truth.
I LOVE PITBULL AND I DON’T KNOW WHY! What’s my damage? HIS BACKUP DANCERS WERE DRESSED LIKE SEXY TAXIS! How genius/hilarious is that? I hope he trademarks the look and opens a Halloween emporium next fall. I’d be so fuckin’ there.