Hello fellow trash hounds and welcome to the Great Goss Recap of the 73rd annual Golden Globes, the awards ceremony where famous people famously get drunk, slip up and, by and large, expose themselves as the monsters they truly are. I laughed. I cried. I cringed. I stabbed myself in the eyes with a fork because I didn’t know what Wolf Hall was and felt out of touch (that’s a joke because the cast of Wolf Hall is, from the looks of it, incredibly aged). I cringed some more. I died of boredom. I was reborn when Tobey Maguire and Leo DiCaprio had a mini Pussy Posse reunion for all the world to see. It was a magical night, indeed.
ICYMI, here’s what went down at last night’s gathering of the gigolos.
Ricky “Bad Boy” Gervais reprised his classic role of one-trick pony host, relentlessly slinging low blows and just-plain-old-mediocre jokes, all punctuated with either an “Aren’t I naughty?” or a condescending “What’s wrong, squares? You find that shocking? Get over it! JOG ON!” There may have also been a few “I’m a cheeky little monkey’s” in there, but I stopped giving him the attention he was so desperately seeking early on, so who knows? One thing’s for sure – Ricky Gervais is a jaded, miserable old twat who couldn’t care less about the Golden Globes. We know this for certain because he spent most of his time on stage groaning about how unimportant this whole thing was. It’s like, we know Gervais. Do you really think you’re making it any better? JOG ON or, as they say in America, GIT THE FUK OFF MY PROPERTAY, YOU CAWKY SUNNUVABITCH!
Mel Gibson served as a human punching bag for mountain of dogshit made flesh (you guessed it!) Ricky Gervais.
Upon winning the Best Supporting Actress award for her role in Jobs, Kate Winslet look legit surprised and literally, out loud in front of a group of her peers, was like “WHY?” First of all, great Q because lol @ Jobs. Secondly, maybe not the best time to reiterate the fact your original quote re: Hollywood’s wage gap was taken out of context (I mean, the odds you’ll accidentally misspeak in 15 seconds or less are quite strong), but you did what you could and avoided disaster so A+ on that front. I’m a fan. She also had a mini-reuni with Leo.
SPEAKING OF WOMEN IN HOLLYWOOD why are awards shows like this one still structured in a way that leads up to/prioritizes awards for Best Actor? The Globes shoved most of the female categories in at the beginning of the broadcast in such an alarmingly blatant, back-to-back-to-back fashion … Am I reaching, or does it seem sketchy?
Taraji P. Henson is a GOLDEN GOD and told the wrap-up music operator drones who clearly weren’t listening to the captivating words coming out of her mouth to (essentially) fuck off so she keep at it. She also gave Leo a cookie on her way up to accept.
Ridley Scott also told the aforementioned operators to suck a D but it didn’t go over as well, what with being a lifeless, charmless shell of a human being and all. Seriously – ol’ man Ridley gets his film, The Martian, nominated in a totally questionable category, unjustly wins the award and then, whilst accepting, says something along these lines: “The Martian? A comedy? Pfft… not really, plebes. Fuck you, peers and general public! Now listen to me list a hundred casual acquaintances or fear my wrath! Those who dare stop me will be forever cursed! Muah-hah-hah!” and then he turned into a bat and flew away, clutching his GG in his cold, weirdly-well-manicured-for-a-rodent-type-thing claws.
Channing Tatum looked super scene.
Jonah Hill was a furry.
Leo FINALLY won an award.
Hell is a place on earth and it’s located in the Beverly Hilton.