Happy New Years to all and, much, much more importantly, HAPPY 20TH EDITION TO HOT GOSS! Hey, 2016 – bow down, jerkoff! There’s a new HAWT TAWPIK in town!
Ahem, now that that’s out of the way, shall we get to it?
Hot Goss’ 20th anniversary brought Justin Bieber a brand new sense of self-awareness. After (presumably) drunkenly agreeing to don a noggin full of cornrows in a sad ‘n’ weird attempt to bring a single spark of life to one or more of the smouldering eyes of the (also, presumably) joyless Hailey Baldwin, Biebs sat through a good hour or so of man-pampering before catching a glimpse of the work in progress and being all “BABE! BAAABE! I LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN ASSHOLE!”, to which she responded something along the lines of “LOL BUT U LOOK SEXI BB!” and he was like “UGH, I LOOK LIKE A DOUCHE! SCOOTER, TAKE A PIC, POST IT ON MY INSTA AND MAKE SURE TO EMPHASIZE THE FACT THAT, LIKE, I KNOW I LOOK LIKE A MOTHERFUCKIN DOUCHE! AS IN BAG! DOUCHE BAG! YEAH, LIKE THE ONES YOUR MOM USES! BRO, YOU SO GOT SERVED RIGHT THERE! HA HA, SICK FUCKIN DISS JUSTIN! HAILEY I HATE U I WISH I WAS DATING UR UNCLE AND/OR POSSIBLY DAD STEPHEN!” Then, they proceeded to have sex on a bed covered in and stuffed with hundred dollar bills while scrolling through Instagram profiles belonging to sad, poor people like us (and by US I clearly mean YOU, reader, because my profile is impeccably curated) while laughing. Then coming. Then crying.
Anne Hathaway is just so gosh darn proud of being preggers that she posted a pic about it before the paparazzi could. You just cost many malicious men muchos dineros, Anne. I think I kind of like you now. Not ever gonna call you Annie, though.
Leo is single which means the entire female population will be, uh, muchos ocupado for the next number of days as they attempt to win his affections.
It’s OK if you’re intimidated by my advanced use of the Spanish language and, unlike the women chasing that sweet, sweet Leo pony-tail (or, if you’d prefer a different sex/hair joke, his sweet, sweet man-buns), I DON’T NEED NO GODDAMN VALIDATION FROM NOBODY, SO BACK OFF!
The intensely vague verdict is in on Kanye West’s latest single, FACTS – some people are down, but most don’t really seem to be. Here’s what a few Soundcloud users had to say about FACTS:
- “Kinda sounds like ICP”
- “Is big crap”
- “Nori wearing my college tuition SMH”
- “if yall knew the back story this diss would be fire”
- “he can’t say pure haha”
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF FACTS? WHAT SORT OF HAIRSTYLE SHOULD HAILEY BALDWIN ENCOURAGE HER BB BIEBS TO APPROPRIATE NEXT? Let us know @BrunchClubMTL or @lamegenerator before Leo starts dating again and we burn ourselves in effigy.