Happy Humpday, y’all!
Whether you’re an underpaid office drone or an unemployed piece o’ garbage, you’re most likely in that pesky mid-week “why not end it all today?” headspace. Bummer! Well, I’m fine, thanks for asking. How do I keep cool as a cuc’ on the hottest/shittiest/most hopeless ‘n’ draining day of the week? By licking my finger, trapping all those teeny tiny Goss crystals hiding in the carpet coils of the internet and rubbing them into my gums vigorously – what can I say, it gives me hope and calms my demons. You wanna taste? Sure ya do! There’s nothing wrong with a little Hot Goss from time to time – here, first hit’s on me! You know where to find me next time you’ve got a hankering.
THE GOOD SHIT
My future one-night-stand-that-will-obsess-over-me-after-I’m-outtie-5000-then-reveal-which-Hooters-I-work-at-via-carefully-crafted-rap-slash-ballad-and-make-me-Internet-famous Drake is still feuding with Meek Mill and dropped a second aural hot beef injection today as he continues to flesh out how he’s feeling about this whole rivalry thing.
A true original until the bitter end, former husband Ben Affleck is (“allegedly”) banging his kid’s nanny. Stay classy, B!
BREAKING: Is Lindsay Lohan a Raelian? According to her Instagram, I’d say the answer is something along the lines of maybe. I dunno man, I follow her on the thing and she seems to be really into things like cryotherapy and alien emojis (preceded by the prayer emoji, of all things!) This exclusive speculation brought to you by BrunchClubMTL.com.
YOU JUST BOUGHT OREGANO
Tyga (aka the dude who may or may not have made Kylie Jenner his child bride) didn’t/can’t/won’t/maybe eventually will pay his rent. CELEBS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!
Eva Longoria (aka the short, soon to be visually impaired one on Desperate Housewives) got into a Twitter spat with some Australian journalist because, “Seriously guys, it’s not funny! I can’t see without my glasses!” What a nerd, amirite? In that classic, glasses-and-cat-food-millionaire-spokesperson-and-sometimes-actress kinda way.
Whelp, the secret’s out – Beyonce is the proud owner of not one, but two breasts. How she managed to keep that shocker out of the press all this time is beyond me.
That’s it for today, fiends! But hey, if you need an extra pick-me-up before the weekend, wire me $20 and I’ll see if I can hook you up.