Happy Humpday, y’all!
Whether you’re an underpaid office drone or an unemployed piece o’ garbage, you’re most likely in that pesky mid-week “why not end it all today?” headspace. Bummer! Well, I’m fine, thanks for asking. How do I keep cool as a cuc’ on the hottest/shittiest/most hopeless ‘n’ draining day of the week? By licking my finger, trapping all those teeny tiny Goss crystals hiding in the carpet coils of the internet and rubbing them into my gums vigorously – what can I say, it gives me hope and calms my demons. You wanna taste? Sure ya do! There’s nothing wrong with a little Hot Goss from time to time – here, first hit’s on me! You know where to find me next time you’ve got a hankering.
THE GOOD SHIT
My future one-night-stand-that-will-obsess-over-me-after-I’m-outtie-5000-then-reveal-which-Hooters-I-work-at-via-carefully-crafted-rap-slash-ballad-and-make-me-Internet-famous Drake is still feuding with Meek Mill and dropped a second aural hot beef injection today as he continues to flesh out how he’s feeling about this whole rivalry thing.
A true original until the bitter end, former husband Ben Affleck is (“allegedly”) banging his kid’s nanny. Stay classy, B!
BREAKING: Is Lindsay Lohan a Raelian? According to her Instagram, I’d say the answer is something along the lines of maybe. I dunno man, I follow her on the thing and she seems to be really into things like cryotherapy and alien emojis (preceded by the prayer emoji, of all things!) This exclusive speculation brought to you by BrunchClubMTL.com.
YOU JUST BOUGHT OREGANO
Tyga (aka the dude who may or may not have made Kylie Jenner his child bride) didn’t/can’t/won’t/maybe eventually will pay his rent. CELEBS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE US!
Eva Longoria (aka the short, soon to be visually impaired one on Desperate Housewives) got into a Twitter spat with some Australian journalist because, “Seriously guys, it’s not funny! I can’t see without my glasses!” What a nerd, amirite? In that classic, glasses-and-cat-food-millionaire-spokesperson-and-sometimes-actress kinda way.
Whelp, the secret’s out – Beyonce is the proud owner of not one, but two breasts. How she managed to keep that shocker out of the press all this time is beyond me.
That’s it for today, fiends! But hey, if you need an extra pick-me-up before the weekend, wire me $20 and I’ll see if I can hook you up.
Funko, The Brunch Club and Breitbart News are proud to present the Official Funko Dirtbag Figure Series!
Every dos and don’ts list should start with something positive and motivating, i.e., a do. I could have said don’t start with a don’t, but that's very aggressive. Don’t do that.
Words of encouragement ahead of the popstar's feature film debut.
Friends, compete for my fortune, please.
Every year you wonder how you will find a bathing suit to flatter your weird body, and every year you get so turned around you end up at the beach in a wool suit wearing a child’s bikini top as an eye patch.
Joketown's top bookies help audiences place educated bets on which team is going to take home the mayorship on July 21st.
Bring a large pot of lightly salted water to a boil. Add lasagna noodles and cook for 8 to 10 minutes, or until you can't stand the deadening silence of your own company.
How well do you know Toronto?
Breakups can leave you feeling like a goblin. Like a lonely, sagging goblin.
Life is short. Click bait.
Friends and well-wishers speak up on what makes everyone's favourite funny wunderkind so special.
Comedian of Note Asaf Gerchak returns to his old Montreal stomping grounds for his debut comedy special Thursday March 30th, 2017. Find out why friends and contemporaries agree that Asaf is special!
The most frequently asked questions about the Brunch Club's storytelling gameshow answered!
Let's have a big, spoiler-filled discussion about Logan.