Garbage gobblers, celebutante celebrators, waste worshippers, lend me your ears!
A SAINT HAS BEEN SENT TO SAVE OUR SOULS FROM SOMETHING LIKE BOREDOM!
A SAINT HAS BEEN SENT TO SERVE AS A CONSTANT REMINDER OF HOW PROFOUNDLY BASIC WE REGULARS ARE, DESPITE OUR BEST/INCESSANT/PATHETIC-SAD-SACK EFFORTS!
A SAINT HAS BEEN SENT TO MAKE GOSS GOOD AGAIN! ALL HAIL SAINT WEST, PATRON SAINT OF THE WESTERN WORLD AND ALL THE GOSS IT SHALL SPAWN FOREVERMORE!
Yes, brethren and sistren and not-as-easily-classifiablren – the time has come! The boy hath been borned and nameded, only to die for our sins and be reborn (prob also for our sins but I’m not, like, 100%) some-to-many years later! While I’m mostly convinced the latest addition to the Kardashian-West family will reprise the role of Jesus in the New Testament 4.0/whatever text may spawn from the Scientology-Christianity-Self-Worship-Yoga-But-Ooh-Maybe-That’s-Offensive-Because-We’re-All-White-People-Actually-Scratch-That-Yoga-Is-Chill mashup relig that will inevitably dominate our future world, there’s also a slight possibility that Saint is actually just that kid from The Omen who was actually Satan or something. Remember how much pain he caused Kim pre-birth? Pretty suspicious if you ask me.
It’s really hard to care about much else this week, but I’ll try.
Speaking of our collective goldfish memory, do you remember Kristin Cavallari? You know, the girl who was made out to look like a real asshole on Laguna Beach? Well, her brother is missing. I don’t know his name or what he looks like, but if you yell out “BROTHER OF KRISTIN CAVALLARI!” and someone says “Yeah?” or “That’s (basically) my name, don’t wear it out!” or “Present” call somebody, I guess? He also reportedly has a gun, so if you don’t bother with any of this I won’t judge you.
Selena Gomez was spotted macking on one of the 1D dudes. For her sake, I hope it was the 1 who possesses the D. JK, we all know it was Niall.
Ugh, guys I just saw the “photographic evidence” of the aforementioned sesh and it’s way, way tamer than I thought. It also might be a fake. The Internet really has too much time on its hands, doesn’t it?