First and foremost, I’d like to wish you the happiest of birthdays and reassure you that you don’t look a day over 59 – please send my regards to your trusted family surgeon, Dr. Garth Fisher MD, FACS, and congratulate him on a job well done. In this day and age, beauty shouldn’t have to be hidden away on the inside -- at the rough and impenetrable age of 60, you’re living proof of this thoroughly modern mentality.
In mind, you’ve always been one step ahead of the rest of us – not only did you create and popularize the term “momager”, you were also one of the first women to sell not just one, but five of your children’s souls to Satan without sacrificing a sliver of your own. While some may find this abhorrent, I, for one, feel like it should be celebrated. You and I both know that a bitch has got to do what a bit has got to do.
In body, however, you’ve been just a few weeks behind thanks to Dr. Fisher’s hard work, dedication and willingness to sacrifice a significant slice of his exorbitant fee in exchange for a plug on your reality program, or even a mere mention in Us Weekly. Doesn’t it feel amazing to be 60 with the face/body/jawline/empty eyes of a woman born weeks, if not months, later than you? You truly are one of Dr. Fisher’s greatest masterpieces, leagues ahead of your plastic peers. Were I Hugh Hefner, I’d take you in an enormous, overly sanitized hot tub while pumped full of Viagra, breathing with the help of a machine and occasionally being resurrected via defibrillator over fellow patient Kendra Wilkinson any day.
Kris, I must ask – how do you do it? How do you, in 2015, convince a party planner to throw an over the top, Great Gatsby themed fete for you? How do you approach a professional with such a dated idea and, instead of informing you of it’s “no-no-ness”, they simply assure you that it’s a novel (*wink*) concept? How do your children manage to make you a parody video without displaying any signs of humor, fun or life whatsoever? How did you succeed in making us forget your only son exists? I just read your Wikipedia page and was like, “Who the fuck is Rob?” Why didn’t you name Rob something like Kolby or Kameron or Kasey or, most obviously, Kristopher? Who came to your birthday bash? How much did it cost? How much money do you have? And, finally, can I please, for the love of God, have some?
Kris, I promise that this heartfelt birthday greeting wasn’t just a pathetic attempt to grab a few of your hard earned dolla dolla bills (though if you offered a few, I wouldn’t say no). I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday from Hot Goss and the rest of the Brunch Club team. Things just got a little out of hand, that’s all. Anyway, have a great year and I hope that you or your pristinely preserved corpse are around to celebrate with me on my 60th. The theme will be In The Kitchen With Kris: A Kollection of Kardashian-Jenner Family Favorites.