Well, well, well… look who it is. I bet you all thought you’d gotten rid of me for good, didn’t you? Whelp, you were wrong. Dead wrong. To quote every Twitter-brained tween on the face of the planet, #sorrynotsorry.
I spent a full week laying off the Goss Sauce but now, dear Brunch Clubbers, I’m back and I’m thirstaaayyyyyy.
Before we really get into it, I need to talk to y’all about Justin Bieber’s penis. Look, I know – J.Bieb’s Peen is sooooo two weeks ago. But have you tried finding a pic of that shit lately? I’ve spent the better part of the last 10 days or so trying to unearth those bad boys and each time I Google “Justin Bieber Penis Pictures” it takes me a good 15-20 minutes to strike uncensored, uncircumcised gold. All this to say, if you’re still on the Bieber’s Tip tip, you might wanna make use of that handy screenshot function on your phone – don’t assume your friends have seen it, and don’t deprive yourself of the veritable honor of being the first to show it to them. You deserve it, you dirty dog. Now, time to move on to more pressing Goss.
I don’t know about you, but the second I heard about the possibility of Lindsay Lohan running for president in 2020, I started looking into the whole forgoing my incredibly enviable/sought after Canadian citizenship status in favour of becoming an American thing. You’re a crazy sonuvabitch, America – God bless you, indeed. #LiLo4AmericanOverlord2020
TAYLOR SWIFT INTENTIONALLY MAIMS SELF WITH RAZOR SHARP BUTCHER’S KNIFE TOTALLY ON PURPOSE BECAUSE SHE MEANT TO DO IT!!!!!!!! THIS REPORTER WONDERS IF ALL THAT ‘BAD BLOOD’ STARTED GETTING TO HER!!!!!
TMZ just published the most shocking piece of celebrity gossip to ever hit the net. Not only is the news jaw-dropping, so is the thoughtful, starkly poetic way the story’s scribe presents it. Ladies and gentlemen, if you’re not ready to be moved to tears, you might want to avert your eyes:
"Iggy Azalea looked like a throw-back model for Brylcreem than a glam rapper. Iggy arrived at LAX Saurday all smiles, in which looks like or should be a letterman's jacket. Just a few days before her locks were flowing."
Genius. Pure. Fucking. Genius. I should just retire from the Goss game right now, shouldn’t I? No matter how hard I try, I will never, ever be able to top this piece. Well, not today, anyway. Maybe next week.
SMOOTH ASS TRANSITION, RIGHT?! I’M OUT!