Last night, I had a dream/waking nighttime text hallucination in which I referred to you all as “hot ‘n’ horny little gossip gobblers”. I’m choosing not to start with that line/greeting right off the bat because, both in and out of context, it’s fucking disgusting. I just thought you guys should know. This is what my brain feels the need to do when no ones watching/having severe anxiety re: death and dying (likely via totally unexpected aneurism, in case you were wondering) – pretty cool, right?
What’s the one thing that can effectively distract me from my soul crushing and oft-debilitating neurosis? YOU GUESSED IT! GOSS! GOSS! GOSS! GOSS! GOSS!
Warning: Unless you care about George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin’s year long and (allegedly) happy union, there’s not all that much to talk about this week. THE DATE WAS EARLY. SHE WAS GLOWING. HE WAS GLOWING. MAYBE IT WAS SOMETHING THEY ATE. I dunno about you, but I feel a panic attack coming on…
Wanna take a photo with the Biebs? It’s easy –just track him down Carmen Sandiego-style, wait for a moment he isn’t surrounded by 7-foot tall security guards and happens to be in a good mood, then follow these 1300 simple steps. Totally worth it, right? If these ladies can pull it off, so can you!
Frances Bean Cobain got married this week and didn’t invite her mother, who was prob busy chilling with a Kardashian/similarly indisposed anyway.
Chris Brown is (to generalize/oversimplify) an abusive piece o’ garbage and Australia doesn’t want him putting shrimp on the barbie or executing any other stereotypical act that takes place on Australian soil.
Who is Kim Zolciak and what is a “mini stroke”?
P.S. Because I’m writing this Sunday evening, I’d really like to know -- did the apocalypse take place last night? DROP MY FUTURE SELF A LINE on Twitter @lamegenerator and you should prob let the rest of the Brunch Club know as well (@BrunchClubMTL). Hope we’re not all dead ;)
P.P.S It’s now 11:30pm and still not dead, so please tweet me something rude/outlandish to help keep this thing we call existence interesting.