HOT GOSS #1

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If there’s one thing we learned from the erection of a one-ton statue of Baphomet in America’s number-one vacation destination (Detroit, obvs), it’s that God is most certainly dead. While communal worship of a big, bearded man (or possibly cat, if you were to consult my childhood self) in the sky was once key in connecting strangers to one another all across this great continent of ours, dropping the G-man’s (or, again, possibly G-cat’s) name won’t buy you friends, or even reluctant acquaintances, in this day and age. Sorry, Utah – it’s true.

I know what you’re thinking – “Hey, I’ve got a friend and a few acquaintances, despite my complete lack of social skills. If there is no God, how did I pull that off?” Now, your average culture critic would likely hit you back with an authoritative, buzzwordy answer like “Social Networking” or “You Paid Them, Remember?”, preceded or followed by a hearty scoff. I, on the other hand, would like to propose a more useful theory – ever heard of Kim Kardashian? How about Josh Duggar? Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert?

Much like a God-figure, it doesn’t matter if you know what they actually do, or if they’re real, or if they’re just devices dreamt up to distract us from the atrocities of real life (including, but not limited to, oppression, injustice, death, dying, perishing, passing on and Crossing Over with John Edwards) – what matters is that we can shit talk them (specifically or vaguely) with virtually anybody. Abstract notions like love, faith, trust and friendship won’t bring us together – tangible garbage like celebrity gossip will.

This is why, dear readers, I will bring to your attention trash heaps of note on a regular basis, and warn you of pieces you’ll surely encounter on the WWW, but are better off ignoring. Now, for those of you ready to join me on a higher plane of existence, find your heart, grab a knife, and take the plunge -- we’re breaking on through to the other side. JK. Let’s Hot Goss.

WORTHY

Ice-T and Coco Austin, the couple after whom I model my own personal relationship(s), are having a baby. This news is no longer trending on Facebook because Mark Zuckerberg is a nerd with no taste.

Speaking of bad taste, TMZ threw together this classy lil’ number as a “respectful tribute” to Bobbi Kristina. Nice font, bros.

[Insert “Everything’s So Blurry” joke here, in accordance with the Laws of Cheeseballs Tabloidom]. THERE IS NO GOD. ALL HAIL BAPHOMET.

[Insert “Everything’s So Blurry” joke here, in accordance with the Laws of Cheeseballs Tabloidom].

THERE IS NO GOD. ALL HAIL BAPHOMET.

Congrats to Wes Scantlin (of Puddle of Mudd “fame”) for earning his, like, 12th DUI. Going 100 MPH four times over the legal limit? That’s verging on Scott Stapp circa 2014 impressive.

MEH

Attractive giant Khloe Kardashian talks about her notoriously reclusive/reserved family in a recent issue of Complex magazine. She cool I guess.

Some genius knew Rob Schneider would be in Montreal for the weekend (for the world famous “Comedy Film Festival”, more commonly known as Just For Laughs to anyone with internet access and two seconds to fact check LOLZ) and decided to steal shit from his house. Specifically, they took poor bébé’s baseball cards :( THE ANIMAL (starring Rob Schneider)!

That’s all the Goss for this instalment – USE IT WISELY.

P.S.: ALL HAIL BAPHOMET!