Holiday Cheers

(row 1 L to R: Norm peterson, rebecca HOWE, SAm malone, cliff claven) (ROW 2 L to R: Carla tortelli, woody boyd, frasier crane, lilith crane)

(row 1 L to R: Norm peterson, rebecca HOWE, SAm malone, cliff claven)
(ROW 2 L to R: Carla tortelli, woody boyd, frasier crane, lilith crane)

The final Arts and Laughs of 2017 is fast approaching and its HOLIDAYS theme is guaranteed to get you in the spirit of the season. But just in case you're an extra big Grinch, here's the script for a holiday Cheers episode that NBC so desperately wanted to suppress.

INT. BAR - CLOSING TIME.

SAM MALONE enters the titular bar adorned with festive ornaments carrying a box. Only the usual suspects (WOODY, CARLA, REBECCA, CLIFF, NORM, LILITH & FRASIER) remain.

SAM
C'mon everyone, let's take these decorations down before we close up.
If I have to look at these things any longer,
I might "accidentally" use it to choke myself to death.

The live studio audience roars with laughter because sometimes Sam Malone can sell a line simply with the squareness of his jaw.

FRASIER
Capital idea, Sam! But before we do, since it is Christmas,
I'd be remiss if we didn't all share a sip of Waitrose Dry Sherry.

The gang objects with boos!

FRASIER
C'mon now! It's a Crane tradition!

CARLA
(To Fraiser) I'd rather stick my head in the oven than
partake in a Crane Christmas tradition!
Crane Christmas sounds practically Satanic!

The live studio audience roars with laughter because Carla may be small, but she is feisty!

Woody retrieves a bottle of Waitrose Dry Sherry. 

WOODY
I'll have a drink with ya, Dr. Crane.
Boy. This stuff sure is fancy.
I hope my scanty Indianan body can handle it.

The live studio audience roars with laughter because Woody is so likeable in spite of his modest upbringing. 

REBECCA
Don't even think for one second that
your fancy sherry will be on house, Frasier.
It may be the season of giving, but--

FRASIER
--but I'll gladly give you money.
There could be no bigger tragedy
than not sampling this fine sherry.

The gang watches Woody struggle to open the bottle. Norm takes a sip of beer and keels over in pain.

NORM
Jack Frost is really nipping at my liver.

Norm falls off his stool. Cliff tends to him immediately, but it's too late...

CLIFF
He's dead.

REBECCA
(in tears)
Sherry on the house.
It's what Norm would have wanted.

In shock and hysterics, Rebecca takes the bottle of sherry and breaks it over Cliff's head. He drops to the ground. Three errant pieces of glass from the smashed sherry bottle go flying straight into Rebecca, Woody and Carla's necks. Blood is shooting all over the titular bar.

Lilith dives over the bar to reach for the phone. However, she comes up short of the phone and her forehead collapses on contact with the speed rail. If the brain trauma hasn't killed her, she'll soon drown with her mouth and nose submerged in the inch of Rebecca, Carla and Woddy's blood that's all over the floor.

Sam calmly walks over to a portrait of their old, fallen friend Coach. He straightens it ever so slightly before turning back to Frasier whose eyes are wide open with aghast.

SAM
Frasier, I want you to do me a favour.
If you ever see Diane again, tell her I love her.

Sam hops on to a bar stool, rips a string of Christmas lights off the wall, ties a noose with the lights, slides it over his neck and kicks the stool away. Sam's long legs flail as the noose tightens and the heat from the incandescent bulbs burns his skin. The kicks wane to twitches as the life leaves his lanky frame.

Dr. Frasier Crane, shaken from the trauma, stands alone surrounded by his friends' corpses.

FRASIER
Well, I suppose there could be a bigger
tragedy than not sampling the sherry...

The live studio audience roars with laughter because, for such a smartypants, Frasier sure has a bad habit of stating the obvious! 

DR. NILES CRANE enters the bar. David Hyde Pierce is such a big, bright, burning star that he causes the entire gang to melt a la Raiders of the Lost Ark, ensuring they are dead. Niles Crane exits the bar with an armful of Emmys.

--END OF SERIES--