In anticipation of his Brunch Club performance this weekend, comedian, gentleman, scholar and all around beauteous angel John Hastings was kind enough to respond to the kinds of questions that only seem like they need answering when you’re flying on an empty stomach, totally sleep deprived and can’t physically or psychologically bring yourself to turn down the opportunity to drink wine free o’ charge.
Hi John! You seem cool. Before I go on I must get a few pressing questions out of the way. Do you mind?
No not all!
Who are you wearing this evening/afternoon/morning/witching hour, depending on when you answer this?
I am wearing gym shorts from Primark. They are seconds away from tearing showing off my unit. No shirt. It's morning and I don't believe in shirts in the morning.
Yes, I love his/her/their/its work. Very chic. So sophistiqué. Simply Splendid! So! You! Love! It!
I it's good. You give and take with both hands when it comes to praise don't you.
Ok, now that the intellectually stimulating part of this interview is over, we can move on to the fun stuff.
Who was your first childhood crush?
A) An actor and/or actress (plz specify)
Christina Ricci / that bird who hung out with Ronald McDonald
B) A singer and/or songstress (plz specify)
Gwen Stefani/ Gavin Rosdale
C) A sportsman and/or sportress (plz specify)
That lady who is shitting Wayne Gretzky......it's only here I
realized this was multiple choice so I go with
What was your worst job ever and why?
Helping starving children in the Sudan. So many little hands. It was unnerving.
Do people do the whole "You're a comic? Tell me a joke then…" thing to you at parties? If so, do you comply with their request? What's the most tasteful way for a comic to be like "fuck off, no" in that situation if they feel the need?
I literally take dumps on carpets in front of them by screaming you laughing now!
Who is your least favourite comedian of all time?
Myself in the morning, so punny.
So, like, we all love you and are big fans and stuff but, like, what kind of comedy... Is... Your... I mean, for those readers who don't know you... Your influences are, like, very obvious for longstanding fans and diligent journalists who do research such as myself, but for lazy sunuvabitches who don't know who they are, can you list a couple?
Patton Oswalt, Greg Fleet and this ostrich I saw a zoo she is my totem.
If you were to create a hashtag for your upcoming MTL show without including your or The Brunch Club's name, what would it be?
If I violently murdered you at/before/after the show, what message would you like me to leave, scrawled in your blood, on the walls of Comedyworks? Note: this will be on your Wikipedia page forever.
I promise I won't kill you. Do you have any psychotic fans, though? Or have you ever found yourself in a conversation/situation with an admirer of your comedy that made you feel a liiiiiiittle concerned for your safety?
Naw. I am like super strong.
What's your ideal brunch situation? Specifically food, bev, music and lighting wise?
All sausage. Low light. Alone.
Anything else you'd like to add? Do you hope audience members will shower you with long stemmed red roses after your performances or something? Maybe a faygo shower if you happen to be a secret juggalo?
I am into 90s retro so I want to be showered in concerns for y2k.