Get A Job, Millennials!

Did you read that thing a while back blaming millennials for the decline of the cereal industry? I couldn’t find the original source because I was too busy putting Starbucks cake-pops on my credit card; look it up yourselves!

OK, I can tell you didn’t, so here’s the thesis: millennials don’t buy cereal because millennials hate washing bowls. Not because cereal costs a thousand dollars a box, or because cereal is just recycled copies of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, cut up into fun shapes and rolled around in sugar. And definitely not because our lion king spoons have stopped changing colors—although that has been very hard to come to terms with and the number one reason we’re all in therapy.

Anyway, as much as I didn’t want to cop to destroying an industry that so consistently employs the disenfranchised (bees; old sea captains), I have to admit: it was us. It was our laziness. We are SO lazy! Here are a bunch of other ways in which we are lazy. Get a job, millennials!

1.       Showering

We don’t bother. When the smell becomes overwhelming we just announce, ‘This is the year I finally find my signature fragrance!’ and start carrying around large aerosol cans full of rose water mist. When the cans are empty, we use them to kill the rats in our apartments. This is called ingenuity and is frankly the opposite of laziness. When all the rats have died, the cans go straight into the ocean. This is called contributing to oceanic climate change, and it is pure myth.

2.       Pets

Speaking of rats, we refuse to take care of an entire dog. It’s too much work! Instead we yell ‘bad dog!’ whenever a rat dies in our wall and stinks up the apartment, giving us the same satisfaction we might get from yelling at our dumb dog.

3.       Transport

We can’t drive. Instead, we get around on texts that say “Rain check?” and “Sorry I know I always do this!!!” while we wait for our hover boards to be issued. By the way, where are our hover boards? They are our birthright.

4.       Family

We never visit our grandmothers, even though our dads keep telling us her Adele material is turning into a pretty tight five. I’ll listen to your body-shaming rants when you’re on Conan, grandma!

5.       Education

As you know, we spend our days on our backs, reading pornography and learning our country’s history via 90’s nostalgia memes. This turns our spines into horrible, twisted, bendy things that are unsightly and extremely painful. Luckily we can continue to walk upright by outsourcing our back pain to our very tired mothers.

6.       Exercise

Why exercise when you know your body is just a vessel for your soul and your hands are just vessels for Cheetos?

7.       Food

Just kidding about the Cheetos. We don’t eat solid foods at all anymore. Instead, whenever we’re hungry, we glom onto the nearest lactating woman and cry, “Wahh I’m a wittle baby!” Women fall for this every time.

8.       Parenting

Who has eighteen years to commit to the rewarding job that is ruining a child’s self-esteem? If your heart feels hollow, here’s a shortcut: find a kid eating an ice cream cone in the street. Run up and go, “Hey kid, you look like an idiot eating that ice cream all alone. Don’t you have any friends?”

9.       Grooming

Razors are your mother’s razors. We shave our legs by walking through cactus fields. Does it rip off our skin? Yes. But isn’t hair attached to skin? Exactly.

10.   More Grooming

I haven’t been to a salon ever, and I’ve never met a single person my age who knows what the heck a scissor is. How do we keep our heads so neat and tidy? Simple! Stress (from still making minimum wage seven years out of college) makes all our hair fall out. In short, the wig industry is booming. You’re welcome, wig industry.

Now, please excuse me while I knock back a meal-in-a-pill and come up with more fun ways to make the world as we know it obsolete. Coming for you next GRAPE JELLY. Ugh you’re disgusting and make my hands sticky. What am I supposed to do, get the rats to lick my fingers? As I said, their bodies are already decomposing in my apartment walls.