Business 101: An Intro To Business

Money.

Finance.

More money.

Power.

It takes more than a degree in business management to become a mega-rich, yacht toting, wildly successful entrepreneur like me. I should know: I’ve got two bachelor’s degrees in business management. Yeah, sure, so maybe the university's administration “accidentally” mailed me a second diploma. Okay, yeah, sure, maybe they mailed me a second one because I told them in a stern email that I hadn’t received my diploma in the mail when really I had. Fine, okay, yeah, sure, whatever, so I lied. But that’s business, baby. 

As made evident by the last sentence in the paragraph above, that is how I’d describe my credentials to a baby. But you’re no baby. You’re at least 5-85 years of age. You’re lookin’ to make big moves: FINANCIALLY. You’re walkin’ into upper management meetings, cruisin’ for a shmoozin’, lookin’ to lock down that next promotion. I know you. I was you once. But now I’m not you. I’m far more successful and definitely have a bunch more money, cars, and cars made of money than you do. I’m not trying to brag, I’m just being honest. And in the business world, honesty is the third best policy, preceded by the policy put in place to keep employees safe from harassment and abuse. Honestly, that’s the best policy. That, and Taco Tuesdays.

So what is “business” anyways? What’s a “financial breakdown”? What’s a “money”? Don’t ask me, that’s what dictionaries are for. Just kidding. You can ask me. I’m an expert on all of those things I just said.

So there you have it. Read it and weep. The results are in, and this quarter's numbers are off the charts. If someone could pick the numbers up and put them back on the charts, that would be greatly appreciated. I have a bad back and bending over is difficult for me.