#Ask Tranna: Self-Worth-o-Meter

Had I not chosen the glamorous career of a standup comedian, I am quite certain I would have been a life coach. My advice has actually helped tens and tens of people get their lives on track. Here, you may write to me in the strictest confidence, knowing that I will do everything to protect your anonymity. I look forward to hearing from you, and helping you in any way I can. I got your back.   – Tranna

Dear Tranna,

Help! I measure my self-worth by how many, and how much, boys like me. It's exhausting, and I want to focus on work and self-improvement, not men, but I can't control myself.

Dear Molly,

I've decided to call you Molly because you in danger girl. But I am going to get you out of danger (actually, you're going to do that for yourself). First, the good thing is that you already know that measuring your self-worth based on the attention you get from men is not working. And that is the first and most important step in snapping out of this self-destructive way of thinking. I say "self-destructive" because when we base our worth on the romantic/sexual attention we receive from men (or whoever you're attracted to) it can lead to bad and harmful decision making. When we derive our self-worth from the way another person sees/or feels about us, we tend to allow ourselves to be treated badly by that person and others, and we become alienated from ourselves and the things that are important to us. The worst is that we also tend to feel negatively about ourselves when that attention is taken away. Attention is very seductive. It feels amazing when someone tells you how gorgeous you are. And it will always feel amazing and there's absolutely nothing wrong in enjoying that feeling. I LOVE getting attention from hot men! But you have to see it for what it's worth and it's really not worth very much. Actually, it's not worth shit. The high you experience when a man tells you you're fucking hot never lasts long and, like any junkie, you need to feel that high again as quickly as possible. And so you become enslaved to this high that you're always chasing, and ultimately you're spending way more time chasing that high than actually feeling good. And that's because the feeling of validation you get from attention is not real. It's an illusion and it cannot be sustained. The way you feel about yourself when you get attention from a man is something you need to give to yourself. I know that sounds obvious, and it is, but it's not necessarily easy to get there. But when you do get there, you will see that it is the greatest thing you can ever give to yourself. Self-love is freedom and I believe it's the only truly sustainable kind of love. My immediate advice to you is to go cold turkey. Stop whatever means you are using to get attention from men. If you're doing the online dating thing, delete all of those profiles right now. If the thought of deleting your profiles, or breaking off whatever contact you have with these men, is freaking you out, just remember you were seeking these guys out for the wrong reasons. You were seeking their attention to validate yourself. And because validation was your motivation, I can promise you, these relationships were never going to work in the first place. You're not missing out on anything. The rest is up to you. Everyone's path to self-love is different. Just be honest with yourself and you will get there. I think you need to start with asking yourself where this need for male attention comes from. Asking yourself this question may force you in acknowledging things you might not want to acknowledge, but you have to. I know that when I asked myself that question years ago, it changed everything. I know that you will get there too because you're already questioning yourself.

You got this,

T     


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