Dear Harry Styles,
As you may already know, you are set to celebrate your major motion picture debut. Congratulations! How exciting!
The transition from pop-stardom to SAG-AFTRA member is never an easy one. Britney Spears in Crossroads and Mariah Carey in Glitter stand out as questionable career moves, but where they stumbled was allowing their respective representatives to lead them to believe that they could carry a movie in their first bought with real acting. You won't befall the same hate-watch fate these fellow icons did.
An overwhelming majority of Dunkirk's press has been centred around members of cast and crew vouching for your acting ability. Though no one doubts that you are a natural performer (the billions of One Direction ticket sales are enough proof of ability for me), by making your debut as an ancillary character in a war-epic / ensemble-piece likely means that you aren't being asked to do too much in your acting debut. First time leads Britney and Mariah were asked to communicate emotional catharsis upon reuniting with their estranged mothers. The most you'll have to do is stoically stare at the horrors of war or perhaps lie face down in the sand as your squibs explode (I hope not) before we cut back to Tom Hardy and forget about any signs of inexperience.
I, as your oldest fan (born in 1989), have the utmost faith that your acting debut's worst review will be: "Yeah, I guess I liked him." You are a star. And your future could be that of a critically acclaimed actor, should you want it.
But if for some reason you stand out like a miscast sore thumb, it's not your fault.
They made you cut your hair. Your hair, a source of infinite power, charisma and grease. A modern day Sampson, things just haven't been the same since they made you cut that incredible mane that caused many a hormone to rage the world over. I know from personal experience that when you're a young man and your hair is long, it's the only thing people want to talk to you about. It becomes your identity. And how can you function at a high level without a sense of self? Admittedly, not feeling like yourself is properly useful in acting... But charisma is your brand and does the charisma read on IMAX camera without your most important asset? If not, help is on the way.
On the Hot Goss Podgosst, when I first learned Christopher Nolan was pushing conformity on to you under the guise of artistic vision, I vowed to grow my hair so that if you humiliate yourself in an attempt to try something new (as one invariably does when branching out), there would be a ripchord for you to pull. In the unlikely event that your acting debut is not beloved by anyone foolish enough to waste a summer evening indulging in British Armed Forces-propaganda, I shall:
- Shave my head
- Send you the clippings
You will then:
- Glue my locks onto your head
- Fulfill this long, strange, quasi-sexual fantasy of mine wherein I become you...
- I MEAN
- Restore your star power.
How can my hair restore your star power through osmosis? Am I famous? Regrettably, I am not...yet. Who knows? Maybe I will be sprung to fame as Harry Styles's personal hair farmer. I'm down if you are.
My hair is straight, fine and recently washed. It has received upwards of 10 compliments. Which is the modest way of saying it has received 11 compliments. My hair's knack for generating praise is the thing your career will need when you are taken to task for overstepping your celebrity.
Think about it. You're at a swinging Hollywood party. No one will look or speak to you because you have underwhelmed. You're box office poison. But...there's something different about you, Harry Styles. Did Harry Styles change his hair? It seems so much longer and therefore better at broadcasting his natural charisma. And is it glued on? Wow, what an icon. Maybe I should schedule a meeting with Harry Styles and the casting director after all... Career saved.
All you need to do to receive this generous, career-saving donation, Harry Styles, is to publish your home address and cellphone number on Twitter so that I can ensure the safe delivery of precious cargo. Mind you, I still have the utmost confidence that your star will shine through what appears to be Nolan's drabbest colour palette since Following.
To test your acting debut's success, I will be attending a screening of Dunkirk with an exclusive group of tastemakers (i.e. the hosts, guests and listeners of the Hot Goss Podgosst). Should they bask in the shine of your star and concur that you (and perhaps the sound design) were the lone bright spots of this long, boring trip, then I will have given you a fresh crop of converts ready to kiss your feet as your celebrity continues to rise. If not, my hair is yours and I will continue to serve as a faithful apostle long after the pieces of me you have glued on to you have fallen out.