5 Ways to Deal with a Breakup

Breakups are never easy. In fact, they're hard. Really, very hard. I think it was Bonnie Taylor who said “Once upon a time I was falling in love/Now I'm only falling apart/There's nothing I can do/Total eclipse of the—" something or other. But there is something you can do, Bonnie. Actually, there are five things. Here are five ways to mend your broken heart.

1. Emote

Don't be afraid to cry. Cry a couple of tears. Let them stream down your cheeks. Don't wipe them away: go to a closed window and rub your wet face on it. Spin around your living room muttering, “No, no, no, no, no. . .” Do that thing they do in the movies where someone takes a few steps, then drops to their knees and screams out to the heavens. Ride a roller-coaster while sobbing. Tie a helium balloon around your wrist and stand in the lobby of a fancy hotel. When a staff member attempts to escort you out, gently lean on their shoulder and weep. Just weep. Stand there and weep. You'll feel a lot better. 

2. Unfriend

It's true what they say: out of sight, out of mind. Block your ex’s phone number. Get rid of your text history. Delete them on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Skype, Snapchat. Unsubscribe from their YouTube channel and forfeit your Words with Friends game. Stop reading their cooking blog. Keep your phone in a Ziploc bag at night, and set up a system of mousetraps and electric shockers to keep you from late-night creeping. Remove the letters of their name from your keyboard. Smash your screen with a hammer. Break your computer in two over your knee like a watermelon. Put the remains in a large pillowcase. Drive a few clicks out of town and bury the pillowcase in a forest, about five feet deep. Build a fire at the grave, take your clothes off, and pray to the ancient spirits. You'll feel a lot better.

3. Exercise

Your body is as important to your brain as your brain is, so keep your body active. Go jogging. Dust off that old bicycle and ride around a new neighbourhood. Attend a hot yoga class and sweat out the grief. Buy an enormous slab of meat, store it in a walk-in freezer, and punch it whenever you're feeling low. See how fast you can chop a wheelbarrow full of loose wood. Climb a tall building with little suction cup gloves. Piss off a dog and try to outrun it. Buy an elliptical machine and hit it with a wrench while trying to assemble it. Then carry those scraps of metal out to the curb, and kick a few of the pieces in frustration. You'll feel a lot better.

4. Rebound

Breakups can leave you feeling like a goblin. Like a lonely, sagging goblin. Get yourself out there! Start a Tinder account. Try out Bumble, or Grindr, or OK Cupid. Snap a few new sexy selfies. Surprise your coffee shop crush with a chocolate chip cookie. Trick a member of the British parliament into buying you jewelry. Wear blue overalls with a propeller hat, and lick a giant lollipop in a busy food court. Coyote-ugly on the counter of your local health food store. Barbecue naked on your balcony. It's true what they say: the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. And remember, you do have to be under them. If you're on top, it doesn't count, and you'll have to sleep with a whole other person. On the bottom this time. You'll feel a lot better.

5. Seek mindfulness

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Stay strong; breakups can really depress. Think positive. Reward yourself with a caramel treat. Memorize the periodic table of elements. Order a small hot chocolate and say, “You know what?” in a high-pitched voice, then order a medium instead. Mutter swear words under your breath at a cop. Don't force it. Try to live your life. When it comes down to it, all you can do is take things one day at a time. You'll feel like shit.