1. “Tasty corn. Tasty corn. Tasty, tasty, tasty corn.”
The notion that we, as humans, require abstract things like love, friendship, support and family to survive is a fallacy. The only true necessity in this mortal life is sustenance. Corn, often referred to as “maize” in the scientific community, is tasty, affordable and efficient fuel that will allow you to work 50-80 hours a week in a quasi-lucid state for approximately 70 years and then, eventually, die.
2. “My bum is on the dog. My bum is on the cat. My bum is on the phone. My bum is all alone…”
Take a moment to ponder this question: why are you reading this? Is it because you finally clued into the fact that those animals you follow on Instagram are mere creations of their money-grubbing, attention-obsessed and likely unattractive owners-with-opposable-thumbs-and-a-data-plan and you refuse to support that kind of manipulative illusion anymore? Or, rather, is it because you were confronted with your own mortality after glimpsing away from your phone for mere moments and needed something new to distract you from the fact of father time and the futility of this slow, fruitless march towards death we call life?
3. “Daddy would you like some sausage?”
Man, woman, child – we all have daddy issues. Who among us hasn’t produced a work of art, sought one of science’s many secrets or, perhaps most daringly, encased the remnants of a finely ground animal in its own delicious innards with the sole purpose of pleasing their parents? Truth be told, we are all somebody’s children and each and every one of us is desperately trying to impress those who facilitated our existence. Your parents are too busy trying to win the affections of their parents and so on, so don’t even bother. That’s a life hack, PS.
4. “Everything I have ever done in my life is essentially a mega-troll.”
If you’re anything like us (or Tom Green), you’re all about the lolz.
5. “I’m going to be doing the Montreal comedy festival in July, so I’m doin’ Just for Laughs…”
Thank fucking God. We know we’re very good at seeming emotionally strong and putting on a convincing happy face, but we really, really need this. Don't miss Tom Green: Live at OFF-JFL July 21st-26th. Gonna be tasty.