Modern life is hard. If you’re anything like me, you’re terrified to waste each precious moment at the all-inclusive resorts you frequent, because your parents are going to stop taking you with them when you turn thirty-five next year. And you feel like you must suck the marrow from life because if you don’t your year book quote will have been meaningless. But it’s tough when everyday people are making it impossible for you to live your best life: you wish you could have seven high-stress jobs but you can only have three. It would be nice if when you entered a food court there were seven thousand options, but there are only five thousand, not including the popcorn kiosk or sushi bar.
Here are just a few ways to get around the obstacles in the way of your very eventful life, because if you’ve never experienced war or lived in a bad neighborhood, you have to have at least gone zip-lining; otherwise who will trust you when you say the guacamole is spicy? Everyone knows you’re a giant p***y!
1. Don’t let people sabotage you
People are going to try and convince you that your good app ideas are not good. But an app that tells you all the fast food restaurants within walking distance that have a hot dog option? That’s not good? What about this one: an app that if you’re kidnapped alerts your mom with a message like, “I hope the turtleneck you refused to buy me was worth the twenty bucks you saved.” Or for those who don’t have phones, a wireless dating app that lets you know where the nearest available person is by rolling down a tinted car window and beckoning at you with a black-gloved hand.
2. Don’t let people sabotage you (part two)
There are other, non app-driven ways that people will try to sabotage you. Like someone might cut your zip-lining cords so you can’t prove to your aunt’s crew that you’re a fun person. I mean, who did this to me? I had to sit in the car all morning eating ice cream sandwiches out of the cooler. Also, do you know someone stole my Tamagotchi, neglected it, and returned it to me dead? My mom is really mad. She said I couldn’t have a Tamagotchi unless I proved I could keep a cactus alive for one week, and I threw that cactus at her shih tzu so she’d buy me the Tamagotchi faster, and look what happened. Sabotage.
3. Butter people up to get what you want
Stop telling your mom that all the food she cooks for you is “dank.” It makes her feel bad about her cooking and old for not knowing your slang, which was funny at first but may be the reason she’s not taking you to Cuba next year. You really can’t afford to not keep taking free vacations.
4. Find love
In the immortal words of The Beatles: Love—it’s all there is. And if you want to find love you have to be honest across your various dating profiles. Don’t try to make yourself sound better or smarter than you really are; just be straightforward about your personality, interests and needs. Remember, if a person can’t handle you at your worst. For example:
Personality = great
Interests include watching mouth surgeries on my phone on a crowded bus
All inquiring must love black-and-white thinking and walking my mom’s dog
Something like that. And when you message a cutie, invite them to meet up right away so they know you mean business. If I may make a suggestion, invite them to A&W, because it has a hot dog option. Or to Taco Bello. I haven’t been myself but I’ve been hearing great things.